Bad-ass

    Have you ever seen that meme on Facebook,

Life is a ride. You have to ride it. Even if you don't like the kind of ride it is. It contains rollercoaster turns, drops, adrenaline, euphoria, terror, laughter and sometimes overwhelming emotion. Life: Parts of it are cool but some of it sucks.

I don't feel like being poetic or pretty in this blog on this particular evening. But in regards to me being a bad-ass, the time has come. 

God has been preparing me to put my faith to the test over this past year, whether I like it or not. But you better believe that after clawing my way through, and struggling with a major depressive disorder   I am seeing the light and I've had to reprogram my thought pattern. It's not about the ride, it's about how to make the best of it. It's about what I can learn from this and how am I gonna handle the next big hurdle. The answer isn't hard. We make it hard, but it's really easy. It's just faith. 

The mission: Kick cancers ass

Not only kicking ass but being peace filled at the same time. I don't feel the need to go into too much detail but some surgery is in my future, as well as possible chemo and radiation. Good news is that they caught it very early. It still stunned me. I was like "Really God?, what in the hell is next?" I was very angry for a couple days. I let God know that I think the whole thing is bullshit. It's not the road I would EVER pick, but it's life so I have no choice. But I can choose to be proactive and try to see the blessings that are about to come. I've claimed this one. It's over already. BOOM

preaching to myself

Today I need to vent. I need to scream. I have been feeling like that a lot lately. Going through a separation and divorce sucks. This one, (my second by the way) is difficult because the scenarios are reversed. I was left first, and now I'm the one leaving. This is a rough spot. I am weary of it. I don't recommend either spot to be honest with you because they both suck. I won't go into personal details out of respect. I will continue to take the high road. But I am facing some heartbreaking decisions, and lately they have been coming at me at a speed that I am battered by.

So I take all of my worries to God and I lay them at his feet , I let go of all the things that are overwhelming me and then I gain the strength to get by. To have mental energy. I had a friend on Facebook recently post about his struggles with depression and anxiety. I admired his admission and saying things that I could relate to like not wanting to get out of bed because thats when the anxiety begins. It takes focus and sometimes medication. just to get through a day without panic. That and lots of prayer.

Through it all I have received several blessings recently. I got a job, I got approved for MediCal so I can get free counseling and perscriptions, plus a few of my mates helped me out with my car and some legal advice and tax advice. It's great when friends are so helpful and knowledgeable in things I am not. These are all answers to my prayers.

I declare to God, I see these beautiful things and I thank you.

I am in the transition phase. the hardest phase, the one that comes with pain before something is rebirthed in me. the labor is strong. but the prize will be worth it.

I ask the Lord for a hedge of protection for the wounded hearts and the weary minds today.
Revive us again
We are strong because you are strong Lord
I am strong cause you are
Things are going to be fine, fine, fine
Amen

I'm back

Wow, it's been almost a year since my last blog post. I was having trouble signing into it and I finally had the time and the patience and the desire to fix it today.

SO MUCH HAS GONE ON THIS PAST YEAR!

I won't even try to catch you all up. Lets just say, again, I'm still here. I still have problems and passions. I still have trials and triumphs. I still sell myself short and I'm still loved very much. Thank God.

Thank God because it is God and God alone that has helped me through one of the toughest years of my life. It is God working through people, and books, and dreams, and hugs, and songs, and church, and theatre, and jobs, and loss. His is the only love that is unfailing and constant.

I don't want to say that I had lost my faith, but in a way I did. Lets just say I lost my way, my connection was damaged. Sometimes when we are in the midst of trials and the stress takes over, you make bad choices. My bad choice was to think that I could handle everything just like I always had and things would eventually get happy again. But I had lost my connection. I wasn't plugged into and truly listening to that voice in my head....the good voice I mean. I did a lot of ignoring because I was feeling weak and mentally unstable. Ignoring is an act of rebellion. That good voice, the one I was ignoring, was my way out.

I can truly say that I was living on the edge of what I thought was a nervous breakdown. It scared me that I couldn't fix it or get over it this time. So, I got out of the situation that I was in. I felt relieved for a while and better. Then the panic and anxiety started to come back even worse. I know now that it was because I still wasn't plugged in. I blamed it on everything else. Mainly the fact that I lost my medical insurance and couldn't afford my happy pills anymore. I was so used to being numb. I wasn't used to feeling things fully because I have been on meds for almost 7 years. When I say meds, I mean antidepressants. I can say it. I can say and not call it happy pills. There. I did it.

There is so much shame that is attached to needing medication and admitting that you are really depressed and you just can't snap out of it. If you haven't been there it's hard to really get, but one thing I have learned; at least in my situation, is that meds can also be a crutch. Another mask I can put on. Another diversion. So I don't have to deal with reality. In the meantime the situations that are causing stress are becoming too much, even for the meds.

So I've had to put on my big girl panties and deal with life. I've had to go way back to the root of what has caused all the bitterness. Dig up that thing that is rotting all my fruit. It goes way back. In fact, it surprised me how far back it went. But once I unearthed it, it made total sense. The consequences of a rebellious spirit aren't anything to take lightly. Especially when one takes it on and wears it like a crown for decades. Eventually, it will fail.

What I have learned and what seems to be working for me is finally trying to live a righteous life. That means staying plugged into church, setting boundaries, praying (A LOT), journaling, reading, and using the tools that God has given me to slay the enemy. The amour of God is real. Only when I am suited up do I have the ability to deal with life and all the struggles that come with it.

So, I plugged myself back in. I'm powering up. I feel better. I'm not at 100% and I may not ever be but I am so glad that I can see the light again.


"I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I AM A PARTAKER of the divine nature"   (2 Peter 1:4)

Good stuff. I'm back baby.

the difference

it's okay sometimes to lose control and give yourself up to the tides of life.

after years of confusion and uncertainty to finally learn the truth

make amends, reminisce, and accept

sometimes it makes sense and it makes everything ok in your heart

it can be healing and empowering in ways that I never anticipated

life is endlessly uncertain and surprising

against our will, the memories still bring smiles

and we must go on

it can be enough if we let it

still the yearning of what could be is ever present

as always

I am not where I want to be

I may never be

but I won't ever quit trying to get there

peace is always worth a try

on the way, I will continue to love my family

the only constant love I have known

picking up pieces of bliss along the way

because, frankly, I deserve it

willing to try if I am met

if not, I am ok

there are still little jewels in life to be discovered

cherished and held

I can tell what is real and sincere

and hold on to those things

and they make life better

there is only one kind of love

the one that is unconditional

the one that accepts

the one that tries to make you happy

even for a moment

it makes all the difference to me

Jobs

           As an artist, I have resigned to the fact that odd jobs go along with this life. Unfortunately, that is the reality. I have always believed that theatre will prepare you for any job. I do not believe that anymore. I have a wide variety of non-theatrical jobs on my resume; Waitress (of course), Retail, Accounting, Care provider, Reception, Manicurist, Child care, Call Center, Residential Care, Starbucks, etc. This list is endless. I can now add Warehouse worker to that list and tell you that my positive attitude and my theatrical training made no difference. I have never hated a job more in my life. Not to mention I was surrounded by hundreds of zombie-like people who hated it just as much as I did. I cannot survive or thrive in an atmosphere of dread and with absolutely no human interaction. I survived my shifts with no music, no cell phones and only my thoughts. Of course, having just finished one of the most fulfilling artistic achievements of my life, in my head, I was reliving it. Not only that but the past performances and characters that I have come to know through the arts. My mind went to a monologue from The Glass Menagerie. In the play Tom is a poet who works in a shoe factory.

"Listen! You think I'm crazy about the warehouse?  You think I'm in love with Continental Shoemakers? You think that I want to spend fifty-five years down there in that - celotex interior! with-fluorescent-tubes! Look! I'd rather somebody packed up a crowbar and battered out my brains-than go back mornings! I go! Every time you come in yelling that Goddamn 'Rise and Shine! Rise and Shine!' I say to myself, 'How lucky dead people are!' But I get up. I go! For sixty-five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self-self's all I ever think of! Why, listen, if self is what I thought of, Mother, I'd be where he is-GONE! [He points to his father's picture.] As far as the system of transportation reaches!"

Celotex interior. Fluorescent tubes. That's what I kept thinking. So instead of taking a crowbar and bashing out my brains, I have decided to quit. An artist cannot survive in this atmosphere. I will get out before Tom did.

The truth... and you're welcome

Let me just say this.  Right away. I'm not into participation trophies. You know how schools and sports teams give recognition trophies?? It is counter productive. I work in the youth theatre arena. I know, first hand that theatre can be hard, and cruel, and brutally honest and at times. unfair. I understand that many parents want to involve their kids in this element to "just have fun" with no intentions of going any further with it.....and that's fine. But for me, as a director, and as someone who has seen what it's  like in the real professional theatre world, I'm sorry, but I feel an obligation to be honest. Theatre is hard. It's extremely competitive, and you have to have a thick skin if you want to continue in this art. I am all about encouragement and building confidence, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough in this politically correct world. I have great passion in teaching kids and building confidence and giving constructive criticism. However, I am not one to give credit where credit isn't due. You have to impress me. I feel as though my expectations are mild compared to the REAL theatre world. I want to help and teach, but I am simply not going to build false hope in any kid, I feel that is cruel. Someone has to tell the truth. I guess it's me. This is, indeed, kind of a strange calling. But I have always prided my self on my honesty.
  Of course every parent thinks that thier kid is a star. We have all seen American Idol right? Sometimes it's not true. Fortunately, I get to work with kids when they are young and they have untapped potential. Singing lessons, acting lessons, speech or improv classes can help them before their bad habits take over. But even I am not a miracle worker. Kids who are naturally gifted STILL need to work at it. That's simply the reality. I guess I am posting this to state that I understand the struggle. It's hard. Being an actor or a musical performer is hard! It takes years of experience and dedication. That's all I'm getting at. Be ready for it. If this is something you really want to do, be ready. I hope you love auditioning, because that's the bulk of what you will do. Every once in a while you will get cast and that is the reward. Love perfoming. Love perfecting your craft through acting classes or dance or improv or whatever you do best. This is the true life of a performer in this world today. Get used to it. Enjoy it, celebrate it, and love it. That's the only way you will be happy with it. Believe me, I know.

Just thinking

For a long time, I was wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. What was going to make a difference? What was going to be fulfilling? As I got older, it seemed to gnaw on me. I have this theatrical education, and no day job. It's kind of depressing. The artist suffers. I think that's how it is supposed to be unfortunately. In a perfect world, and if I all of a sudden became financially   independent, I would build my own theatre. I would make a commune for actors and artists to explore and create. I would also buy a big piece of property and build kennels for homeless dogs. It would be an animal and artist paradise. That would be heaven on earth for me.
     I fell into directing and teaching theatre unintentionally. I considered myself an actor, solely. But, I have found that, especially when the parts and opportunities for me started getting scarce, God said, " Hey....try this, I think you will like it.."  I was always kinda bossy and I felt like I knew more than my directors anyway. Haha! No seriously, I had a diva problem in college. But that was a sign. Acting is great and wonderful and I love it, but directing.....researching, living with a script, ( I mean like REALLY living with a script) is what I do best. Research is a true love of mine. So, the cliché is true "What I really want to do is direct."
     I had some brilliant directors to learn from. I have performed in many productions and for some reason, even though I loved it, it didn't fit quite perfectly. I was always wanting to be more. I still would never give up a great role, and I still audition for things, but there is a nervousness that appears when I act that isn't there when I direct. It's different... wonderfully so, and you can't even compare the two. Stress is still involved either way but it is really like two completely opposite ideals. We are fighting for the same truth from opposite ends.
  It's also ironic that I, as a woman who never had children of my own, have so many now through theatre. It's a gift to be able to see these kids blossom and grow. I feel like a mom. I have like 54 kids right now. It's incredibly fulfilling. And I don't have to take them home. Seriously though, I am thankful to the parents who allow me to spend time with their kids and teach them about theatre. I love to encourage them and see them grow. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent bursting with pride at the performance that their kid is giving. Seeing them break out of their shell and becoming an artist, ....that's my job, to help them do that. What a blessing.