Just thinking

For a long time, I was wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. What was going to make a difference? What was going to be fulfilling? As I got older, it seemed to gnaw on me. I have this theatrical education, and no day job. It's kind of depressing. The artist suffers. I think that's how it is supposed to be unfortunately. In a perfect world, and if I all of a sudden became financially   independent, I would build my own theatre. I would make a commune for actors and artists to explore and create. I would also buy a big piece of property and build kennels for homeless dogs. It would be an animal and artist paradise. That would be heaven on earth for me.
     I fell into directing and teaching theatre unintentionally. I considered myself an actor, solely. But, I have found that, especially when the parts and opportunities for me started getting scarce, God said, " Hey....try this, I think you will like it.."  I was always kinda bossy and I felt like I knew more than my directors anyway. Haha! No seriously, I had a diva problem in college. But that was a sign. Acting is great and wonderful and I love it, but directing.....researching, living with a script, ( I mean like REALLY living with a script) is what I do best. Research is a true love of mine. So, the cliché is true "What I really want to do is direct."
     I had some brilliant directors to learn from. I have performed in many productions and for some reason, even though I loved it, it didn't fit quite perfectly. I was always wanting to be more. I still would never give up a great role, and I still audition for things, but there is a nervousness that appears when I act that isn't there when I direct. It's different... wonderfully so, and you can't even compare the two. Stress is still involved either way but it is really like two completely opposite ideals. We are fighting for the same truth from opposite ends.
  It's also ironic that I, as a woman who never had children of my own, have so many now through theatre. It's a gift to be able to see these kids blossom and grow. I feel like a mom. I have like 54 kids right now. It's incredibly fulfilling. And I don't have to take them home. Seriously though, I am thankful to the parents who allow me to spend time with their kids and teach them about theatre. I love to encourage them and see them grow. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent bursting with pride at the performance that their kid is giving. Seeing them break out of their shell and becoming an artist, ....that's my job, to help them do that. What a blessing.