The mess

I am the housekeeper. Always the one cleaning up the messes. I have to control the flow of my home. I am wired that way. It carries over into personality. My spiritual gift of mercy and compassion and the feeling that I am destined to take care of things. This can cause flaws in journeys.
  Taking care of business is all fine and good....but only if you have joy in the doing.

I'm looking back at my life and realizing, and looking, and thinking...why am I so miserable? What in the world has gotten you to this state? Why aren't things ok? Is life just stopped and I'm standing in flux? I have come to grips with the fact that I am manic depressive. This realization is coming from a girl who has never been to a real shrink. The internet and my doctor confirmed my self diagnosis. But.... I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is where I'm at. Back on the happy pills.

I wonder where this comes from and I realize now that I have always had anxiety. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot and that was hard. I felt up-rooted, and raw. Insecure. Fat. Too tall for my age. Uninteresting. Years of playing "sick" so I didn't have to leave my bed. I missed a lot of school. I'm surprised I made it through as well as I did. Being described as shy always irritated me. I associated it with boring. I preferred the term "mild-mannered", I'm not scared to speak, only if I have something to say. I realize now that I was suffering from anxiety, even then. People wonder how I can be a performer. But I have found, over the years, that there are many MANY people like me in the theatre world.

The good news is. I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for this realization in my life. I don't regret anything really. I just wish I might have put 2 and 2 together a little sooner perhaps. But, I don't control the timing. God is in control. He was then and He is now.

 "I am still confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord! Be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord."