Blog therapy

    It could be intimidating to read a blog post with this title. I am mostly posting this today for my own benefit. This whole blog idea is a way to get some of the crap that is in my head, out of my head. So, with that disclaimer out there.....read on. Perhaps you'll recognize some of this "crap".  Sorry so crass, it's my mood.

   I am so glad that I have the scriptures. I know that they are very powerful when used in prayer. Today I am feeling consumed. My mind is a constant dripping faucet of negativity. I feel overwhelmed at times. Today is one of those days.  I read a verse today that helped me feel some peace.

This I call to mind and therefore I have hope;
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassion's never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness                (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Thank God for new mornings!

I think maybe by the time I turn 45 I might figure out how to be a grown-up. I wonder if I will always feel like a 15 year old. I am always amazed that so many of my close friends describe me as a strong woman. I think I give off that persona. It's my stature and intense expressions. I am after all, an actress. At times I think it serves me well. But there is something about being an actress that allows you to hide pieces of yourself away.  I know many actor-types that would probably beg to differ with me...or maybe not. But; I do think its a fine line between reality and the escapist tendencies of the artist. It's just too dang easy to "act" like we know what we're doing instead of doing the work of being, becoming, and changing. What I'm trying to say is this; I'm tired of acting strong; time to BE strong! I am unlimited!  I feel a change coming on.
 

Forgiveness

             
  It says in the word that we must forgive and pray for our enemies. Enemy is a strong word for me because I don't feel that I really have any. One of the perks of being a wimp I guess. But I do have people whom I would equate with the word, and its always for the same reason; because they hurt me in some way. There are a few people in particular that I have struggled for years to forgive. I know that the word of God says that if we do not forgive, He won't either. It's only fair I think, it is for our own good. But, man! It's hard. I get the concept and I want it and I say it, but I just don't feel it. I want to feel it because God knows whats best for me and I trust Him.....but...it's really hard to forgive someone who never even acknowledged that they did anything wrong. At this point, an acknowledgement would suffice because it's too late for I'm sorry.

      I was discussing this with my two girlfriends at lunch today. They both know me and know about my past experiences. One of them told me today that I seem sad. I haven't seen her in about six months. She told me to pray for those that I am having trouble forgiving. "Try it for 15 days and see what happens, and if you skip a day you have to start over."  So, I am. For the first time, I'm gonna pray for my enemies. It's not like I haven't heard this concept before, but like I said, the word "enemy"....I guess I got hung up on that. Then I looked it up. One of the definitions of "enemy" is ; "something destructive or injurious in it's effects".  I thought; yep, that's it. So, anyway, I'm praying.

                 "Forgive and you will be forgiven."  Luke 6:37.

And now for some free-form poetry:

   I am continuing  my journey on the path of life with my broom in hand.

 It has been cluttered by the things that I allow to get in my way because I never swept them up

  I think I need a vacuum cleaner


   Man I am good.  :-)


   

Identity

        "The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose"
 
Who am I? Age old question. So many ways to go with this. The only answer to this question that ever gives me any peace is; I am a child of God.


  I have a lot of labels. Some of them I like, some of them...not so much. The ones I hate the most are usually the ones that I gave myself. Some aren't worth mentioning. I have to think of my identity as someone who is good, and I am good. Knowing that God wants me to do good in the world gives me purpose. Knowing that my plans are not His plans is a pain in the butt. Why? You may ask? Because I'm a rebel. It's weird but I'm a quiet, contemplative, extremely observent rebel. I don't know how I got so hard-headed (as my mom would say). Purging this information is my way of transforming. It's my way of not being ruled by fear. I heard someone say once that we always think that we are tempted to do evil. But how many times have we been tempted to do good... and then we don't do it? Hmm? This is me, doing something good. Providing myself with yet, another label; Blogger
  The question of identity is something that I struggle with. I have a real problem with labels. I don't believe in them. They are put there primarily by people who don't really know you and they are, almost always, wrong. Wrong assumptions can damage self esteem. It brings to mind my favorite musical, "Wicked". Each of the characters in Wicked has a label. They are called "good", or "wonderful", or "wicked", just to name a few. Though each of these characters do make a transition, they are unable to change until thier true identity is revealed. We stifle ourselves with labels. We waste a lot of time. Which label have you held onto the longest? Is it a good one? Or a bad one?

Fear

     We live in a wild and unpredictable world. Human beings are becoming less and less affected by chaos because we think its normal. But really, what we are doing is compartmentalizing our situations with the purpose of "dealing with them" later. The ultimate procrastination. I didn't realize I was doing this. But I was. I've been doing it my whole life.
   
   I had an epiphany recently. It's weird to say this now, but I just realized that my main mode of operation is fear. Yes, fear. That might strike you as an oddity, if you don't know me well, but it's true. I remember, as a young person, I was described as shy. I always hated that description and was embarrassed by it. I'm not shy, just mild mannered, keep my mouth shut most of the time. But, I would go so far to say that I am timid. I sometimes have to force myself to do things socially. 

   When I was in highschool, we had to attend chapel every Wednesday morning. We would always recite the school verse.   Proverbs 9:10;  "The fear of the Lord is the begining of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding" This is the kind of fear that means great reverence and respect. I began to wonder why, after reciting this verse, week after week, year after year; I fear everything that I shouldn't. I knew the words, I just wasn't grasping the deep message in this verse. God only wants us to fear Him. Nothing else is worth it. There should be no fears when we have Him. Knowing Him helps me to understand who I am in this world.

   "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, and of power and of a self   discipline"  II Timothy 1:7 

   So, even though I know I'm not perfect. I am taking a stand against fear. It has no place in my life. My compartments are full. It's time to take the trash out.