Bad-ass

    Have you ever seen that meme on Facebook,

Life is a ride. You have to ride it. Even if you don't like the kind of ride it is. It contains rollercoaster turns, drops, adrenaline, euphoria, terror, laughter and sometimes overwhelming emotion. Life: Parts of it are cool but some of it sucks.

I don't feel like being poetic or pretty in this blog on this particular evening. But in regards to me being a bad-ass, the time has come. 

God has been preparing me to put my faith to the test over this past year, whether I like it or not. But you better believe that after clawing my way through, and struggling with a major depressive disorder   I am seeing the light and I've had to reprogram my thought pattern. It's not about the ride, it's about how to make the best of it. It's about what I can learn from this and how am I gonna handle the next big hurdle. The answer isn't hard. We make it hard, but it's really easy. It's just faith. 

The mission: Kick cancers ass

Not only kicking ass but being peace filled at the same time. I don't feel the need to go into too much detail but some surgery is in my future, as well as possible chemo and radiation. Good news is that they caught it very early. It still stunned me. I was like "Really God?, what in the hell is next?" I was very angry for a couple days. I let God know that I think the whole thing is bullshit. It's not the road I would EVER pick, but it's life so I have no choice. But I can choose to be proactive and try to see the blessings that are about to come. I've claimed this one. It's over already. BOOM

preaching to myself

Today I need to vent. I need to scream. I have been feeling like that a lot lately. Going through a separation and divorce sucks. This one, (my second by the way) is difficult because the scenarios are reversed. I was left first, and now I'm the one leaving. This is a rough spot. I am weary of it. I don't recommend either spot to be honest with you because they both suck. I won't go into personal details out of respect. I will continue to take the high road. But I am facing some heartbreaking decisions, and lately they have been coming at me at a speed that I am battered by.

So I take all of my worries to God and I lay them at his feet , I let go of all the things that are overwhelming me and then I gain the strength to get by. To have mental energy. I had a friend on Facebook recently post about his struggles with depression and anxiety. I admired his admission and saying things that I could relate to like not wanting to get out of bed because thats when the anxiety begins. It takes focus and sometimes medication. just to get through a day without panic. That and lots of prayer.

Through it all I have received several blessings recently. I got a job, I got approved for MediCal so I can get free counseling and perscriptions, plus a few of my mates helped me out with my car and some legal advice and tax advice. It's great when friends are so helpful and knowledgeable in things I am not. These are all answers to my prayers.

I declare to God, I see these beautiful things and I thank you.

I am in the transition phase. the hardest phase, the one that comes with pain before something is rebirthed in me. the labor is strong. but the prize will be worth it.

I ask the Lord for a hedge of protection for the wounded hearts and the weary minds today.
Revive us again
We are strong because you are strong Lord
I am strong cause you are
Things are going to be fine, fine, fine
Amen

I'm back

Wow, it's been almost a year since my last blog post. I was having trouble signing into it and I finally had the time and the patience and the desire to fix it today.

SO MUCH HAS GONE ON THIS PAST YEAR!

I won't even try to catch you all up. Lets just say, again, I'm still here. I still have problems and passions. I still have trials and triumphs. I still sell myself short and I'm still loved very much. Thank God.

Thank God because it is God and God alone that has helped me through one of the toughest years of my life. It is God working through people, and books, and dreams, and hugs, and songs, and church, and theatre, and jobs, and loss. His is the only love that is unfailing and constant.

I don't want to say that I had lost my faith, but in a way I did. Lets just say I lost my way, my connection was damaged. Sometimes when we are in the midst of trials and the stress takes over, you make bad choices. My bad choice was to think that I could handle everything just like I always had and things would eventually get happy again. But I had lost my connection. I wasn't plugged into and truly listening to that voice in my head....the good voice I mean. I did a lot of ignoring because I was feeling weak and mentally unstable. Ignoring is an act of rebellion. That good voice, the one I was ignoring, was my way out.

I can truly say that I was living on the edge of what I thought was a nervous breakdown. It scared me that I couldn't fix it or get over it this time. So, I got out of the situation that I was in. I felt relieved for a while and better. Then the panic and anxiety started to come back even worse. I know now that it was because I still wasn't plugged in. I blamed it on everything else. Mainly the fact that I lost my medical insurance and couldn't afford my happy pills anymore. I was so used to being numb. I wasn't used to feeling things fully because I have been on meds for almost 7 years. When I say meds, I mean antidepressants. I can say it. I can say and not call it happy pills. There. I did it.

There is so much shame that is attached to needing medication and admitting that you are really depressed and you just can't snap out of it. If you haven't been there it's hard to really get, but one thing I have learned; at least in my situation, is that meds can also be a crutch. Another mask I can put on. Another diversion. So I don't have to deal with reality. In the meantime the situations that are causing stress are becoming too much, even for the meds.

So I've had to put on my big girl panties and deal with life. I've had to go way back to the root of what has caused all the bitterness. Dig up that thing that is rotting all my fruit. It goes way back. In fact, it surprised me how far back it went. But once I unearthed it, it made total sense. The consequences of a rebellious spirit aren't anything to take lightly. Especially when one takes it on and wears it like a crown for decades. Eventually, it will fail.

What I have learned and what seems to be working for me is finally trying to live a righteous life. That means staying plugged into church, setting boundaries, praying (A LOT), journaling, reading, and using the tools that God has given me to slay the enemy. The amour of God is real. Only when I am suited up do I have the ability to deal with life and all the struggles that come with it.

So, I plugged myself back in. I'm powering up. I feel better. I'm not at 100% and I may not ever be but I am so glad that I can see the light again.


"I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I AM A PARTAKER of the divine nature"   (2 Peter 1:4)

Good stuff. I'm back baby.

the difference

it's okay sometimes to lose control and give yourself up to the tides of life.

after years of confusion and uncertainty to finally learn the truth

make amends, reminisce, and accept

sometimes it makes sense and it makes everything ok in your heart

it can be healing and empowering in ways that I never anticipated

life is endlessly uncertain and surprising

against our will, the memories still bring smiles

and we must go on

it can be enough if we let it

still the yearning of what could be is ever present

as always

I am not where I want to be

I may never be

but I won't ever quit trying to get there

peace is always worth a try

on the way, I will continue to love my family

the only constant love I have known

picking up pieces of bliss along the way

because, frankly, I deserve it

willing to try if I am met

if not, I am ok

there are still little jewels in life to be discovered

cherished and held

I can tell what is real and sincere

and hold on to those things

and they make life better

there is only one kind of love

the one that is unconditional

the one that accepts

the one that tries to make you happy

even for a moment

it makes all the difference to me

Jobs

           As an artist, I have resigned to the fact that odd jobs go along with this life. Unfortunately, that is the reality. I have always believed that theatre will prepare you for any job. I do not believe that anymore. I have a wide variety of non-theatrical jobs on my resume; Waitress (of course), Retail, Accounting, Care provider, Reception, Manicurist, Child care, Call Center, Residential Care, Starbucks, etc. This list is endless. I can now add Warehouse worker to that list and tell you that my positive attitude and my theatrical training made no difference. I have never hated a job more in my life. Not to mention I was surrounded by hundreds of zombie-like people who hated it just as much as I did. I cannot survive or thrive in an atmosphere of dread and with absolutely no human interaction. I survived my shifts with no music, no cell phones and only my thoughts. Of course, having just finished one of the most fulfilling artistic achievements of my life, in my head, I was reliving it. Not only that but the past performances and characters that I have come to know through the arts. My mind went to a monologue from The Glass Menagerie. In the play Tom is a poet who works in a shoe factory.

"Listen! You think I'm crazy about the warehouse?  You think I'm in love with Continental Shoemakers? You think that I want to spend fifty-five years down there in that - celotex interior! with-fluorescent-tubes! Look! I'd rather somebody packed up a crowbar and battered out my brains-than go back mornings! I go! Every time you come in yelling that Goddamn 'Rise and Shine! Rise and Shine!' I say to myself, 'How lucky dead people are!' But I get up. I go! For sixty-five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self-self's all I ever think of! Why, listen, if self is what I thought of, Mother, I'd be where he is-GONE! [He points to his father's picture.] As far as the system of transportation reaches!"

Celotex interior. Fluorescent tubes. That's what I kept thinking. So instead of taking a crowbar and bashing out my brains, I have decided to quit. An artist cannot survive in this atmosphere. I will get out before Tom did.

The truth... and you're welcome

Let me just say this.  Right away. I'm not into participation trophies. You know how schools and sports teams give recognition trophies?? It is counter productive. I work in the youth theatre arena. I know, first hand that theatre can be hard, and cruel, and brutally honest and at times. unfair. I understand that many parents want to involve their kids in this element to "just have fun" with no intentions of going any further with it.....and that's fine. But for me, as a director, and as someone who has seen what it's  like in the real professional theatre world, I'm sorry, but I feel an obligation to be honest. Theatre is hard. It's extremely competitive, and you have to have a thick skin if you want to continue in this art. I am all about encouragement and building confidence, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough in this politically correct world. I have great passion in teaching kids and building confidence and giving constructive criticism. However, I am not one to give credit where credit isn't due. You have to impress me. I feel as though my expectations are mild compared to the REAL theatre world. I want to help and teach, but I am simply not going to build false hope in any kid, I feel that is cruel. Someone has to tell the truth. I guess it's me. This is, indeed, kind of a strange calling. But I have always prided my self on my honesty.
  Of course every parent thinks that thier kid is a star. We have all seen American Idol right? Sometimes it's not true. Fortunately, I get to work with kids when they are young and they have untapped potential. Singing lessons, acting lessons, speech or improv classes can help them before their bad habits take over. But even I am not a miracle worker. Kids who are naturally gifted STILL need to work at it. That's simply the reality. I guess I am posting this to state that I understand the struggle. It's hard. Being an actor or a musical performer is hard! It takes years of experience and dedication. That's all I'm getting at. Be ready for it. If this is something you really want to do, be ready. I hope you love auditioning, because that's the bulk of what you will do. Every once in a while you will get cast and that is the reward. Love perfoming. Love perfecting your craft through acting classes or dance or improv or whatever you do best. This is the true life of a performer in this world today. Get used to it. Enjoy it, celebrate it, and love it. That's the only way you will be happy with it. Believe me, I know.

Just thinking

For a long time, I was wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. What was going to make a difference? What was going to be fulfilling? As I got older, it seemed to gnaw on me. I have this theatrical education, and no day job. It's kind of depressing. The artist suffers. I think that's how it is supposed to be unfortunately. In a perfect world, and if I all of a sudden became financially   independent, I would build my own theatre. I would make a commune for actors and artists to explore and create. I would also buy a big piece of property and build kennels for homeless dogs. It would be an animal and artist paradise. That would be heaven on earth for me.
     I fell into directing and teaching theatre unintentionally. I considered myself an actor, solely. But, I have found that, especially when the parts and opportunities for me started getting scarce, God said, " Hey....try this, I think you will like it.."  I was always kinda bossy and I felt like I knew more than my directors anyway. Haha! No seriously, I had a diva problem in college. But that was a sign. Acting is great and wonderful and I love it, but directing.....researching, living with a script, ( I mean like REALLY living with a script) is what I do best. Research is a true love of mine. So, the cliché is true "What I really want to do is direct."
     I had some brilliant directors to learn from. I have performed in many productions and for some reason, even though I loved it, it didn't fit quite perfectly. I was always wanting to be more. I still would never give up a great role, and I still audition for things, but there is a nervousness that appears when I act that isn't there when I direct. It's different... wonderfully so, and you can't even compare the two. Stress is still involved either way but it is really like two completely opposite ideals. We are fighting for the same truth from opposite ends.
  It's also ironic that I, as a woman who never had children of my own, have so many now through theatre. It's a gift to be able to see these kids blossom and grow. I feel like a mom. I have like 54 kids right now. It's incredibly fulfilling. And I don't have to take them home. Seriously though, I am thankful to the parents who allow me to spend time with their kids and teach them about theatre. I love to encourage them and see them grow. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent bursting with pride at the performance that their kid is giving. Seeing them break out of their shell and becoming an artist, ....that's my job, to help them do that. What a blessing.

The Calling

This is actually an old post. But I have been reminded lately of these wise words as I found myself quoting them very recently.

   The conversation was about content. Working for a youth theatre, these questions come up.
Should we be editing scripts, or should we practice the real calling? I am not a fan of editing. If the content is really not appropriate for youth it simply should not be done. However, let's not discount a show or a character simply because they are rough around the edges. We hold up a mirror in theatre. We just reflect society. These imperfect people exist. Perhaps how we react to them and what we can learn from them should be the real question. The following is the post that I wrote a few years ago from which I have been reminded of this concept. I hope to be a role model like her...........






  In 1986 I was in a production of The Little Foxes at Mt San Jacinto College. I had the extreme pleasure of working with Marion Carter. Marion was a great lady and a very respected member of the local acting community. She was best known for playing the role of the Senora in the Ramona Outdoor Play for 20 some odd years. Anyway, at our last performance of Foxes, all those years ago, her husband Phil brought flowers for every single woman in the cast, and Marion handed out gifts. To me, she gave a framed picture with the following words;

"...For the fact is that an actor on the stage is no more an ordinary human being (and therefore a mere host, entertaining a group of friends in a domestic setting) than a priest is at an alter or a judge is on a bench. An actor practices a calling that, though it is now commonly held to be profane, began by being sacred; it is a calling that sets him apart from the rest of us, formally estranging him in order that, in the fashion of priests and judges, he can serve as our chosen surrogate. Historically, it has been a tradition for actors - again, like priests and judges - to assume a ceremonial disguise, which establishes their distance from us and helps to obliterate in them the usual tell-tale distinctions of age, sex, and personality. By means of costume, makeup, and devices of posture and voice, actors become other than themselves; kings and varlets, saints and sinners, heroes and villains, they are transformed for our sake and to our astonishment into whoever we are and whatever we are, at our best and worst..." Brendan Gill

Another notable thing to mention about Marion is that she encouraged me to continue my theatre studies at a time when I was questioning myself and my decisions. I will always be grateful for that.

Columbia House and the power of influence.

       When I was a kid, my mom used to get this catalog in the mail from the Columbia House Record and Tape Club. It was like a subscription and you had to order a certain number of things per year. It was always fun to look through it and decide, with moms help, what kind of music we wanted to order. She would usually pick something each time that we had asked for along with her favorites like Elvis, The Eagles, The Carpenters, Captain and Tennille, etc. She also liked to order soundtracks from musicals and film. American Graffiti stands out in my mind, I'm pretty sure I can sing every song on that recording. Jesus Christ Superstar came next, then there was Annie. I was 9 when the show was a hit on Broadway and I was an Andrea McArdle fan because I had seen her in magazines and on talk shows. I played the music endlessly. I imitated each character, I could sing the whole thing. To this day, it is the one soundtrack I know, inside and out.
   Last month, I directed a production of Annie Jr., which is a shortened version, but classic. You
can only imagine the fulfillment I had in my heart and the confidence I had in knowing this material. It was a "full circle moment' in my life. I have discovered in the past few years, my true joy and purpose in life; teaching, being a positive influence, and encouraging kids in the arts community. The fact that there are fewer and fewer theatrical opportunities for kids in school is sad. I have seen many of my students who have been somewhat stigmatized by the fact that they are in musicals; "drama geeks" if you will. What used to be a normal elective in High School is now non-existent, in a lot of public schools. I have the opportunity to inform them of the greatness that is theatre, music, drama, musicals, dance, with the help of my fantastic colleges (yet another blessing) whom I learn from as well. So, I am thankful. Once again, God has fulfilled one of the desires of my heart. Because He loves me.
 Thanks to mom for the 8-tracks.

I started this a year ago....but I finished it tonight

         What you allow is what will continue...

I really don't think that God is into punishment, but he allows us to punish ourselves.

For me that's how I seem to learn, the hard way, it gives one perspective, wisdom and strength. I allowed it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Perhaps this is not "healthy" but it's what I have cultivated, I mustn't dismiss that I have, at times had a dark cloud hovering over me. I have at times been ridiculously negative and had to fight against the smothering feelings of self pity and self loathing.

I am thankful for my Christian upbringing. I have always had a rock to cling on to when the seas of life were thrashing me around. I love church. I do not always choose to go, but when I do; it's family. I believe in a personal relationship with my creator. It is one of my favorite things that I can claim; a "personal relationship" with God. Just mine.

I have been unhappy with the effects of time on my body. I am 47 today. That is weird. As I write this, my husband is handing me a Reese's Peanut butter Ice cream cup and I am gladly eating it. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my trainer at the gym. I signed up for a year of training; my birthday present to me. I met with him once already, we did weights and worked my upper body and arms. I couldn't move the next day but it feels good. Not only that but my trainer guessed my age to be 33-35yrs. So yay me!

God has shown His face to me. I have turned a corner from fear;.....and He had to take me to my personal bottom line before I saw it. I am that stubborn.

I am only allowing good and kind things this year. I believe in people, and their goodness and I believe that if I am kind and good I will attract that in my own life. I am claiming new and exciting things.

This is my birthday wish to me.

25 Truths

    I saw this going around on Facebook for a while; and I kept thinking, "if nobody tags me, then it's a blogpost".....well, nobody tagged me. Which is probably a good thing. Because who knows what's gonna happen.

TRUTHS:

1: When my sister was born, I received a Gumby and Pokey doll. I was a month shy of being three. It was 1969.
2.That same Christmas, I received a drumset from my uncle, and I gave my sister the chicken pox.
3. I have a very good memory compared to most people I know
4. In 3rd grade I was in a Christmas play called "Mr. Grumpy's Workshop",  I played Big Doll #1, That was the beginning of my theatrical career.
5. I went to a small private school and I feel that it sheltered me.
6. When I was 19, I was attacked by a German Shepherd.
7. I love Lucy....and every episode.
8. I love dogs (but I am still a little scared a German Shepherds)
9. I am reclusive
10. My friends are my friends forever
11. I used to hate being the eldest child and I wanted a big brother
12. When I was 13 I almost ran away from home
13. I am a great cook
14. Calm under pressure
15. My parents are still married
16. I strive to be the best aunt to my nieces and nephews
17. Animals listen to me
18. I taught myself to play the piano and the bass
19. Teaching is the most surreal thing I've ever done
20. I have a large birthmark on the back of my left leg. Known to my family as "Wheat bread leg" due to it's resemblance to toast.
21. I would rather stay home than go out.
22. Some of my old friends call me "Klam".
23. I love old movies
24. I am a good mimic
25. I have many dreams still unfulfilled

Teaching and Serving

I am teaching again. Titan Theatre Guild from NDHS is doing "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown". This is my fourth and most challenging year taking part in their yearly musical. We are approaching what we call "MAGIC WEEK" at Notre Dame. This means we move into the performance space and everything suddenly becomes very real for some kids. Yet for some reason it magically comes together. I love this analogy because it's so true. Even in professional theatre there is a "Magic Week" of sorts.
       I think this year is more challenging because we double cast and because our roles aren't cast gender specific. So I have a girl playing Charlie in one cast. Both of my Snoopys' are girls and I have one girl Linus and one girl Shroeder. Got that? It has come down to me teaching girls how to transpose their part. It's not as easy as it sounds. It has also resulted in me giving a speech about character acting and referring to The Muppets a lot. Anyone who knows this show knows it could be performed by any age performer as long as they had the character down. Don't you think? Is it just me, or would you like to see Charlie Brown performed by senior citizens. I would pay to see that.

On a different note; I am working at Center Stage Dinner Theatre and I love it. Serving food and setting up and this weekend; helping with quick changes. I like my "role" as a server. It's kinda perfect for me.

PLEASE SUPPORT LOCAL THEATRE!!!!


P.S. This was my life tonight. Can you guess the show?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202287033607160&set=vb.1530701341&type=2&theater

Advice

I'm not gonna say that I don't need advice. In fact, for most of my life I obsess on it. I consider it. But that doesn't mean I always follow it.

I crave opinions. I really want to know what other people think. Sometimes I hate that about myself. But even still, I use it in some way to make my own decisions. I mix it up with the things that I know have worked in the past. By nature I am a collaborator. Be it, in a professional setting in the theatre world, or in my own personal life.

My life; and I don't say this to be a "Debbie Downer" in many ways, has been challenging. It's not what I planned for myself. But one thing I have learned is you can't plan your life...really. It happens, and you have to handle the good with the bad and recognize the difference. You have to open your eyes to the good parts. Sometimes they are hard to see, but they are ALWAYS there. I have to look for them. But that, in itself is a good thing.

God knows I'm a smart cookie. He made me that way. I think He delights in seeing me figure it out as I go along. He wants me to use my brain and my intuition; both of which are gifts that He has given me.

I know that there are many people in my world who offer their thoughts. I listen. I pray. But in the end, it is me, and me alone who can come face to face with God and really discuss the reality. The only truth I hear, truly is from Him.

I have many people, who love and care about me. That, alone, is reason to be eternally grateful. I respect those who have gone before me in similar life situations. But whatever they may be, they are ot MY situations. I intend to keep trusting God and His intentions for my life. Sometimes it takes longer than I would hope. But that's okay. Waiting it out, is kind of exciting.

Living life, is a constant adventure. I intend to enjoy it. No matter what. Make the most of it and LIVE!!

Kids

    I have had the opportunity to work with a lot of talented kids. I have been a performance coach for Notre Dame High School theatre department. I worked for CYT (Christian Youth Theatre) teaching Reader's Theatre, Characterization, and Acting. I've written and directed short plays for kids at church. I've privately coached kids on acting, scene study, singing, and audition techniques. I have acted in several productions with tons of kids over the years, both professionally and in community theatre. I've judged youth theatre competitions, and sat on audition committee's.

Here's my point.

Having been a kid actor myself; I made a lot of mistakes. I have a great desire to teach kids not to make the same mistakes I did.

I will now share some of my mistakes;

 First and foremost;  I complained. I wasn't happy with the parts I was getting and I went out of my way to make it known. One time, in high school, I went so far as to call the director and cry like a baby. I was up for a part in an original musical. I was up against a cute, popular, cheerleader. We both sang the song well. Of course, I thought I had the part in the bag because I had taken choir for 3 years and she had just joined. She got the part. I ended up playing an old lady, and hating cheerleaders forever. Looking back, I can see why they gave her the part. She fit the role better than me. Sometimes, directors have to make tough decisions knowing fully well that some feelings are going to get hurt in the process.
   I also remember complaining about a costume in one of my first college productions. I was mad because even though it was a pretty dress, mine wasn't rented from the costume company like so many of my friends were. Mine was taken from the dusty costume loft at the college and kind of pieced together. I came to the next rehearsal and they had rented me something different. It was hideous. Luckily it didn't fit. I remember the costume lady saying kind of sarcastically "Well, we were just trying to make you happy." Point taken. I'm pretty sure they hand picked the ugliest dress just to teach me a lesson. I never complained to the director about a costume again. I look back at the pictures of myself in that show and I can't believe I complained because my dress was one of the prettiest ones. I have since worn some ugly, unflattering and stinky costumes with a smile on my face.
     
   The second mistake I made was not doing any research on the shows I was auditioning for. This can lead to missed opportunities. I recall auditioning for OLIVER in college. I didn't know the show at all. The music director handed out songs and I just grabbed one. It was not in a key that I could sing but I did my best (which was not very good) and I wasn't cast. Later on, I went to see the show and was utterly disappointed to find out that the role of Nancy was a perfect fit for me, and I could have sung the heck out of "As Long as He Needs Me". Had I researched the musical before the audition, I would have known and would have had a really good chance at getting the role.
   No research can also backfire on you when you ARE cast as I have been cast in some shows that I wish I had never auditioned for in the first place.

  The third big mistake I made was resisting direction. Directors sometimes tell you to do things that you think are totally stupid. Do them anyway. NEVER tell a director that you think their suggestion is stupid. Just try it. If you don't you will get the reputation of being a diva, and unless you are an opera star, that's not a good thing.

  The last thing, and a very important thing I learned is that you need to embrace who you are. You may never get to play the lead. You may never get the parts you REALLY want because you have the wrong impression of yourself. Take a look at yourself. For example, I would LOVE to play Glinda in Wicked, heck I would love to play Annie in Annie; but it ain't gonna happen. EVER. Accept it, and move on. Get to know your strengths and abilities and play them up! Being a character actor is WAY more fun than you may think it is and there are WAY more opportunities to be cast if you just know that about yourself. Start reading plays and musicals and research, research, research! Your parts are out there and when you find them they are like little jewels. That's part of the fun for me. Don't turn down parts that you think you are not right for just because you're mad. When you become an adult, the opportunities come less easily. The competition becomes stiffer and you will be cast less and less. That's just the reality of it.

  I am very pleased that I am going to be on the production team for Riverside Youth Theatre's production of SHREK! We are the very first youth theatre to EVER get to do this show. That's exciting! I was sitting watching the kids at the dance auditions yesterday and I was yearning to be a kid again. I would LOVE to be in this show someday. In any part, in any costume, in any capacity! We had a great turnout and saw a lot of new and VERY talented faces. I'm looking forward to this one!  :-)

 



      

Gifts

I have recently read a book about counting God's gifts. Like... literally numbering them in a journal. You start with the goal of one thousand and I am in the hundreds. I think God wants me to open my  eyes wider. I am ALWAYS amazed at the things that I write down, especially when I read them back to myself after some time has passed. God is consistently trying to make himself known in my life. It is like developing another sense. Or...using all your senses at once. It's being aware of it.

I was recently given a great gift. That was performing with Riverside Youth Theatre in a production of Bye Bye Birdie. I couldn't list all the gifts from this experience. There were too many. But, I noticed how many things I wrote down while doing it. I have made friends. I have encouraged others. I have laughed....VERY hard. I was working in a group of dedicated adults. It was a learning experience. I got to tutor and run lines with fellow cast mates. I got to look retro. I got to dance and faint. I got to act like a goofball. I got to yell at people to be quiet. I got called "HAMI" pretty consistently by two little girls. I ate a lot of chocolate. It was all good.

This production came at the perfect time. That's all. I am thankful.

For Hoffman

I lost a friend last month.
His name was Ron. The service I went to was attended by over 300 people who loved him. He was an actor, among other things. One of the most naturally funny people I will probably ever know.

I have known his big brother, Rick, my entire life as he is my uncle Larry's best friend. And as I started to take acting classes in the mid 80's at Mt. San Jacinto College, Ron had already moved on. If anyone took an acting class at that particular time at the college, you knew of him. He was an example that was often talked about in class. Not only was he good, but he was successful. And even though I hadn't actually met the guy (yet) to my classmates at the time I was like; "Oh yeah, I know him."

We first met when we did a production of West Side Story at the college. He was cast as the detective and I was a shark girl. We put two and two together backstage. "Hey, you're Ricks brother!" "Hey, you're Larry's niece." He is one of the only people I have ever heard refer to my uncle as "Lawrence" so I immediately thought he was a funny guy.

So, years go by, and I was asked to take a part in a production of Pump Boys and Dinettes. Fun show. This particular cast, which included Rick, Ron, and Larry, had performed this show before. They had it down. I was the new kid. It wasn't until after a few rehearsals that I realized that about 50% of the stuff that was coming out of Ron's mouth wasn't in the script. Some of the BEST stuff, came right out of his head. As an actor who doesn't really pride myself on my improvisation skills, I had to keep up. But it didn't matter because Ron had a way of making everything funny.

In the second act, Ron sang a song called , "The night Dolly Parton was almost mine." There was about 16-24 bars in the middle of the song that was instrumental. It was a two-step. I made the suggestion to him that maybe he and I could dance a little in the break. To this he said, "That's a really good idea except for one thing....I don't dance." So, I let it go. The next night, right before the song he came up to me and said, "Just follow me, we're gonna wing it"

The time came for the dance break and I got up and he grabbed me. He stomped through it; step together, step together, step together, step. Then he whipped me around and whipped me back, so I tried to spin him. He didn't..quite...make it around. Then he smacked me hard in the shoulder and said, (in character) "I told ya....I don't dance." So..I smacked him back and made my way back to my stool. And that's the way we did it every night.

Later on that evening, I said "Hey Ron, I kinda like our dance/fight." He then said that according to the script, his character has a love/hate relationship with women so it was really the only way it could be done. The truth was, he wasn't just "wingin it". He had thought about it, and it wasn't above him to point out his shortcomings as a dancer in order to get the laugh. That little dance break became one of my favorite moments in the show.

After the show was over, I saw Ron, off and on, when I attended church in Hemet. He was on the worship team. He often came up to me after service and asked me how things were going. I had just moved into town. He knew I was looking for work. It wasn't until the third or fourth time he asked me how the job search was going that I realized, he had been praying for me. I had written my prayer request down months ago on a little prayer card in the lobby. Ronnie was one of the people who had been taking my requests and praying for me. It was then, that I knew, he was the real deal. He wasn't just at the church going through the motions in the church band...he really cared about people.

Sitting at his memorial, hearing all the stories....he cared about a LOT of people. He touched many lives. I can honestly say, I've never laughed so hard at a memorial in my life. He was a giver. That's what made him a great actor. But it's also what made him a great guy.

So, rest in peace friend. You are missed. But I know we will see each other again one day and, hopefully, by then, your dance skills will have improved.

The mess

I am the housekeeper. Always the one cleaning up the messes. I have to control the flow of my home. I am wired that way. It carries over into personality. My spiritual gift of mercy and compassion and the feeling that I am destined to take care of things. This can cause flaws in journeys.
  Taking care of business is all fine and good....but only if you have joy in the doing.

I'm looking back at my life and realizing, and looking, and thinking...why am I so miserable? What in the world has gotten you to this state? Why aren't things ok? Is life just stopped and I'm standing in flux? I have come to grips with the fact that I am manic depressive. This realization is coming from a girl who has never been to a real shrink. The internet and my doctor confirmed my self diagnosis. But.... I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is where I'm at. Back on the happy pills.

I wonder where this comes from and I realize now that I have always had anxiety. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot and that was hard. I felt up-rooted, and raw. Insecure. Fat. Too tall for my age. Uninteresting. Years of playing "sick" so I didn't have to leave my bed. I missed a lot of school. I'm surprised I made it through as well as I did. Being described as shy always irritated me. I associated it with boring. I preferred the term "mild-mannered", I'm not scared to speak, only if I have something to say. I realize now that I was suffering from anxiety, even then. People wonder how I can be a performer. But I have found, over the years, that there are many MANY people like me in the theatre world.

The good news is. I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for this realization in my life. I don't regret anything really. I just wish I might have put 2 and 2 together a little sooner perhaps. But, I don't control the timing. God is in control. He was then and He is now.

 "I am still confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord! Be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord."

Yipee and Hallelujah!

   There are definitely stormy times in life. There are times when I know that things aren't fair and there's nothing I can do except stand watch over my attitude. I tend to get gloomy and stuck. I guess the word for it is depression. However, I have also noticed that its ALWAYS darkest before the dawn, and things have a way of working out as long as I put my faith in God, believe in myself, and keep on climbing. I have learned that because I am old..... that's what it takes, time. "Peace is right there Kami,...Hello?? Grab ahold of it.." How many times did I hear that little voice, and chose to worry instead. What a waste of time.


   "Listen to me, you who have been borne by me from before your birth,
    carried from the womb;
    Even to old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you.
    I have made and I will bear, I will carry and I will save."        (Isaiah 46:3-4)


To paraphrase I would put it this way;

"HEY!! You hard-headed woman! Listen up! I have things under control and I always have. Start listening! Start doing! I got your back!"

I recommend listening.

I moved here to Riverside two years ago and I didn't really want to. It would take up a novel if I told you the whole story of these last two years. To sum it up I could say, it's been kinda like a rollarcoaster. It's been restorative, it's been healthy, hopeful, playful, and magical. This is where I am supposed to be. I know that now. The climb has been good. I'm up high enough to get some perspective now and for the first time, in a long time, I feel really happy about my life. It feels weird and new, but I like it. Yipee and Hallelujah!

2 cents

I have definately decided that people are selfish. I can tell by the facebook posts and the ALL CAPS and the repetitive, annoying (alright already!!) amount of posts I get about politics. It afirms in me the desire to be no part of it. I mean, I vote, and I care, but ranting and raving about how I feel is nobody's business. It's interesting though because I see everyones bias. Everyones, opinion of where they see the world going.
  My world is simple I guess. However, I am kinda glad that I never had kids because I don't envy the next generation. I can understand how children can play a part in how we vote. I think about my nieces and nephews and pray they will be successful. It seems success and money are imparitive, now and in the future. Plus, at this rate, they may be supporting me one day. See what I mean....people are selfish, including me.
I can definately tell that the people who are republicans have enough money. The people who are democrats don't have enough.....for the most part on my FB page. This is just a generalization. Nonetheless, a comment on my world as I see it. People need help. Seems like.

Again, this is a political comment from the MOST unpolitical person, but this seems more like a human issue to me.    

Just my two cents.

Class

    As some of you may know, I am doing a production of CHICAGO at Performance Riverside. Being a dramaturg at heart, I relish in the research of the script. I like to read about the people who wrote it, and why, and everything about the history of the production. Not only is this play based on actual events, which leads to rich research by itself, the story of how the musical version came to be is interesting.

  Gwen Verdon found the original play, she brought it to her husband Bob Fosse, she told him that this would make a great musical. Out of guilt, he pursued the project, as he felt that he owed it to Gwen. Their relationship was complicated and though Bob had many other girlfriends, they shared a daughter and they never divorced. They worked professionally together and lived apart. Bob took the play to Kander and Ebb and they collaborated on the script. Bob had also just recovered from a heart attack, and surgery and was in a deep depression. The musical numbers explore the world he knew best; vaudeville. Having played the vaudeville circuit himself,  as a teenager , he had a great love and respect for this genre which is also reflected in some of his other films.

Trying to pinpoint a theme to this show?? There are so many. Jazz (and its many meanings), Greed (and corruption), the criminal (who we make into a celebrity) and how all that stuff can backfire or not. Is it fair? no. But it happens. It's real. It doesn't hide anything.  That's why this show is so in your face.

The theme may be up for grabs, but I feel like I have a handle on how the writers felt when they were writing. The song in the second act; Class, sums it all up for me. To me, although its crass and funny, its the saddest song in the show. It gives the audience a chance to think about what they have been witnessing, both on the stage and in real life. It's a sad state of affairs sometimes. It's the place in the script where I think the writers are kinda knocking you over the head like, holding up a mirror to us. We all do it. People have lost so much.  Sometimes being good just doesn't pay off in this world. Innocence and devotion are optional. What happened?

We worked on the amazing set this week. Lets just say, I've never been up so high in the air, it's kinda exhilarating. Come and see the show!!