When I go to auditions, I always wear an item that I think will bring me luck. Lately, I have been given a trinket from an old friend. My dear high school chum, sent me a bracelet, out of the blue. It's silver, with small theatre mask charms. I have worn it twice. I've been cast both times.
I think that all theatre people are a wee bit superstitious. I just do what feels good. Seemed like a good sign to me. In my early days, I remember wearing a pin with the cowardly lion on it. I would wear it on the inside of my collar, so that only I could see it. It reminded me to have courage.
Last year, when I jumped back in with both feet into the auditioning game, I wore a silver necklace with a bicycle charm. Because, I thought, its just like riding a bike, you just don't forget how to do it.
I have learned to summon my own courage...with the help of God, and remembering the encouragement I have received in my life.
I have learned, by the people who have encouraged me in my art, that it is the greatest gift you can give. Especially as a student actor. I recall many times, crystal clear in my mind, being centered and calmed by an encouraging word. The validation is soooo important to young people.
Having just finished working on a high school production of BARNUM, memories of my teachers are fresh in my mind. I find myself saying things to my students that were said to me. It's kinda strange, being on the other side. I have made an effort to be encouraging, in every instance. It has been a huge learning experience, blessing, and answer to prayer to get to work with these kids. I'm very grateful.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Storms
Theres a lot of crap going on, I'm not gonna lie.
The devil is up to his usual business of stealing my joy.
But I am good
I am riding the wave of life
Ups, downs , small victories, it's all good.
God still knows what I want, We do still communicate in case anyone was wondering. :-)
He knows and He provides
Sometimes I need to knock myself in the head to get my own attention
But His presense is never ending
I have noticed lately that my journey is mine
Only mine
I love it
It's like a ride
I wonder whats coming next
The devil is up to his usual business of stealing my joy.
But I am good
I am riding the wave of life
Ups, downs , small victories, it's all good.
God still knows what I want, We do still communicate in case anyone was wondering. :-)
He knows and He provides
Sometimes I need to knock myself in the head to get my own attention
But His presense is never ending
I have noticed lately that my journey is mine
Only mine
I love it
It's like a ride
I wonder whats coming next
Friday, October 21, 2011
Observation
It's a small world. But the theatre world is even smaller. It's amazing how many people are connected by a show, a director, a teacher, a character; and because of this, we are all related. I enjoy getting to know new people when you do a show. By the end of the run, you uncover unforgettable stories, backstage performances and improvs, and shop talk. You even gain new imaginary family members. The cool thing is, that relationship never goes away after you end a show. You are connected forever. It's different with actors. We have to open up a lot quicker than most people do in real life. To deliver a dynamic performance the actors must get to know each other. Good theatre requires intimacy.
"Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity....."
That's what good actors do, .......good humans; take note, it works great in life as well
So, after a show, I tend to reflect on all the unique relationships. They go on forever, and they live in that short little time capsule which is only about a month. There have been many over the years and the family keeps getting bigger. I would like to say, I love you all. I think of you when I hear a certain song, or see a certain picture. A piece of dialogue. These things live in my heart.
"Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity....."
That's what good actors do, .......good humans; take note, it works great in life as well
So, after a show, I tend to reflect on all the unique relationships. They go on forever, and they live in that short little time capsule which is only about a month. There have been many over the years and the family keeps getting bigger. I would like to say, I love you all. I think of you when I hear a certain song, or see a certain picture. A piece of dialogue. These things live in my heart.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Ensemble
"There are no small parts, only small actors. " Stanislaviski
To some actors, being in the "ensemble" is not good enough. They want the lead parts only. In my opinion, those kind of actors maybe need to examine the real reason they want it so bad. But that's a different topic. What I'm trying to say is, being in the ensemble rocks! Especially when you know everyone is invested and creative and energetic. It's the best. The cool thing about it is that you can create your own character, almost completely out of your head. Make up your own story. Or even a different story every night. It's so fun.
When you are called to be a performer, it's your joy to be on the stage. It should be when you feel most alive. It shouldn't matter how big your part is. Your part is as big as you make it.
Needless to say, I'm having a blast at rehearsals for OKLAHOMA!! YEOW!!
I love the whole cast so much and the director, choreographer and musical director are really fantastic. This is a classic and our director is trying really hard not to make it cheesy, (which it can tend to be) and more realistic. It is gonna be great I think. :-)
To some actors, being in the "ensemble" is not good enough. They want the lead parts only. In my opinion, those kind of actors maybe need to examine the real reason they want it so bad. But that's a different topic. What I'm trying to say is, being in the ensemble rocks! Especially when you know everyone is invested and creative and energetic. It's the best. The cool thing about it is that you can create your own character, almost completely out of your head. Make up your own story. Or even a different story every night. It's so fun.
When you are called to be a performer, it's your joy to be on the stage. It should be when you feel most alive. It shouldn't matter how big your part is. Your part is as big as you make it.
Needless to say, I'm having a blast at rehearsals for OKLAHOMA!! YEOW!!
I love the whole cast so much and the director, choreographer and musical director are really fantastic. This is a classic and our director is trying really hard not to make it cheesy, (which it can tend to be) and more realistic. It is gonna be great I think. :-)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Role models past
I had a friend
Her name was Joan
I was dating her son
I got bit by a dog
He took me to Joan
She scrubbed the shit out of my leg with iodine
I still have the scar
And I think of her :-)
I watched her make quite a change when I knew her
I was part of her life when she suffered great loss
I watched her make a beautiful transition
Because of her strength
She rose above her circumstances and got on with her life
Happy
With a new love and a new life
She was a role model
She was also my mother in law for about...mmmm....half a minute.
But I loved her
She made an impression on me
And it was all good
Rest in peace Joan :-)
Her name was Joan
I was dating her son
I got bit by a dog
He took me to Joan
She scrubbed the shit out of my leg with iodine
I still have the scar
And I think of her :-)
I watched her make quite a change when I knew her
I was part of her life when she suffered great loss
I watched her make a beautiful transition
Because of her strength
She rose above her circumstances and got on with her life
Happy
With a new love and a new life
She was a role model
She was also my mother in law for about...mmmm....half a minute.
But I loved her
She made an impression on me
And it was all good
Rest in peace Joan :-)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Gamma Rays in Oklahoma
I have been watching a lot of old movies lately. I recorded a movie made in 1971 called, "The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds". It stars the incredible Joanne Woodward. The movie is directed by her husband, Paul Newman. The movie wasn't popular, but the play; written by Paul Zindel, won the Pulitzer Prize. It's the text, and the rich message that made me watch it more than once....that and Woodwards performance. I LOVE watching an actor inhabit a character and I recommend the first scene of Woodward, trying on wigs as the first of many examples of this in this film. I just love the symbolism that Zindel, a former science teacher, uses to compare the family life to a science experiment. It's not a happy film. But it always makes me happy to observe actors at the top of their game, and Woodward delivers. Paul Newman said he thinks its his wifes best performance. I feel like I'm writing a movie review. I give it two thumbs up for serious actor types!
Speaking of actor types.... I am pleased that I have been cast in Performance Riversides production of Oklahoma! I am in the ensemble and I have been told that I will be in three or four of the production numbers. It is a true, old fashioned musical. FUN to sing the rich and robust music with a full cast! Ah, these things bring me joy. I am so happy that God still remembers the desires of my heart. This is the second time I have been cast with this company. I am thrilled to get the chance to do it again. My first rehearsal is next weekend and I can't wait.
Speaking of actor types.... I am pleased that I have been cast in Performance Riversides production of Oklahoma! I am in the ensemble and I have been told that I will be in three or four of the production numbers. It is a true, old fashioned musical. FUN to sing the rich and robust music with a full cast! Ah, these things bring me joy. I am so happy that God still remembers the desires of my heart. This is the second time I have been cast with this company. I am thrilled to get the chance to do it again. My first rehearsal is next weekend and I can't wait.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Redemption
I watched a movie today that made me think about a couple of things. The movie was Ironweed with Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep. It is a story that is based on a novel of the same name. I have never read the novel but now I want to. The story is about a man, Frances, who is a bum and a drunk. He is returning to his hometown after 20+ years with his companion, Helen, who is also a bum and a drunk. Today we would say, 'they are homeless' because it's more politically correct.
We follow Frances and Helen around and watch them drink and freeze on the streets of 1930's New York. Helen seems sick. He takes her to a broken down roadster down by the tracks and tells her he'll find her tomorrow at the soup kitchen. She wakes the next day and starts what will become the last day of her life. This is when the story gets beautiful to me.
The first place she goes is a church. She kneels at the alter she prays for, of all things, forgiveness. She is so frail. She starts to get up and she finds a ten dollar bill on the floor. She starts to cry and say thank you.
She goes to get a cup of coffee and some toast. She takes one bite and starts to feel sick so she gives the rest to a lady at the counter and leaves.
She goes to the music store and sits at the piano and plays a beautiful peaceful song.
She goes to the bar and drinks. Then she goes to the library and sits by the fire. She falls asleep and is awakened by the librarian, who hands her a magazine.
She sees someone from 20 years ago. You find out that Helen used to be a singer, she used to go on tours.
She rents a room for 2 days and carries two suitcases up the stairs and unpacks a record player among other personal items; a hairbrush, a mirror, a picture. She takes a record out of her coat and puts it on the record player.
She bathes. She brushes her hair.
Frances comes back the next morning and finds her dead on the floor.
I can't tell you how beautiful the performance was. All I can say is, it was Meryl Streep so it was depicted so well. But the message is the most beautiful thing. It's a story of redemption. Or maybe redemptive suffering. It's mercy. It's grace. And it's Meryl Streep!!
But really, it made me think about homeless people in general, and how many of them have to deal with harsh assumptions that are being made about them. After constantly being labeled a bum, I would think a lot of people start believing it. They lose their hope. They turn into it. Identity transforms because of label.
You might think it's odd that I find that story beautiful. All I can say is I wish everyone could delight in God's presence in a story. Now matter how gritty and ugly and politically incorrect. God loved Helen.
Redeemed how I love to proclaim it
Redeemed by the blood of the lamb
Redeemed by His infinite mercy
His child and forever I am
We follow Frances and Helen around and watch them drink and freeze on the streets of 1930's New York. Helen seems sick. He takes her to a broken down roadster down by the tracks and tells her he'll find her tomorrow at the soup kitchen. She wakes the next day and starts what will become the last day of her life. This is when the story gets beautiful to me.
The first place she goes is a church. She kneels at the alter she prays for, of all things, forgiveness. She is so frail. She starts to get up and she finds a ten dollar bill on the floor. She starts to cry and say thank you.
She goes to get a cup of coffee and some toast. She takes one bite and starts to feel sick so she gives the rest to a lady at the counter and leaves.
She goes to the music store and sits at the piano and plays a beautiful peaceful song.
She goes to the bar and drinks. Then she goes to the library and sits by the fire. She falls asleep and is awakened by the librarian, who hands her a magazine.
She sees someone from 20 years ago. You find out that Helen used to be a singer, she used to go on tours.
She rents a room for 2 days and carries two suitcases up the stairs and unpacks a record player among other personal items; a hairbrush, a mirror, a picture. She takes a record out of her coat and puts it on the record player.
She bathes. She brushes her hair.
Frances comes back the next morning and finds her dead on the floor.
I can't tell you how beautiful the performance was. All I can say is, it was Meryl Streep so it was depicted so well. But the message is the most beautiful thing. It's a story of redemption. Or maybe redemptive suffering. It's mercy. It's grace. And it's Meryl Streep!!
But really, it made me think about homeless people in general, and how many of them have to deal with harsh assumptions that are being made about them. After constantly being labeled a bum, I would think a lot of people start believing it. They lose their hope. They turn into it. Identity transforms because of label.
You might think it's odd that I find that story beautiful. All I can say is I wish everyone could delight in God's presence in a story. Now matter how gritty and ugly and politically incorrect. God loved Helen.
Redeemed how I love to proclaim it
Redeemed by the blood of the lamb
Redeemed by His infinite mercy
His child and forever I am
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friendship
I adore it
I love it
Having friends
Has saved me
I think, all the time, of friends that have come and gone. I think about how great it will be when I see them again.
Significant moments can happen with people whose presence may be fleeting in your life. But that gives them no less significance in the big picture.
Memory: June 1994, San Francisco
My friend Dan's neighbor, Michael, drove me to the airport. I had been there for a week. I was escaping the chaos that was my divorce. What better, safer place. My sweet friend Dan took the week off. We explored, we walked, we talked, we laughed and we cried. During the week stay, his neighbor Michael was a constant fixture. Just a big, sweet, lovable presence. Who made us dinner and told us stories. He was the first person I ever met who was HIV positive. He was an open soul, and I only knew him for like 6 days. He was driving me to the airport and I was bitching about my life and after a week of hearing it he turned to me and said;
"Honey, there comes a time when you have got to pick up your petticoats and get on with it."
Then he bid me goodbye. We hugged, and I never saw him again. He had an accent. Atlanta, I think. But you know, I never, ever, forgot that. He told me what I needed to hear more than anyone else could and he was an outsider. A virtual stranger compared to most everyone else. Or else maybe, (and this is my favorite theory) he was an angel. :-)
I love it
Having friends
Has saved me
I think, all the time, of friends that have come and gone. I think about how great it will be when I see them again.
Significant moments can happen with people whose presence may be fleeting in your life. But that gives them no less significance in the big picture.
Memory: June 1994, San Francisco
My friend Dan's neighbor, Michael, drove me to the airport. I had been there for a week. I was escaping the chaos that was my divorce. What better, safer place. My sweet friend Dan took the week off. We explored, we walked, we talked, we laughed and we cried. During the week stay, his neighbor Michael was a constant fixture. Just a big, sweet, lovable presence. Who made us dinner and told us stories. He was the first person I ever met who was HIV positive. He was an open soul, and I only knew him for like 6 days. He was driving me to the airport and I was bitching about my life and after a week of hearing it he turned to me and said;
"Honey, there comes a time when you have got to pick up your petticoats and get on with it."
Then he bid me goodbye. We hugged, and I never saw him again. He had an accent. Atlanta, I think. But you know, I never, ever, forgot that. He told me what I needed to hear more than anyone else could and he was an outsider. A virtual stranger compared to most everyone else. Or else maybe, (and this is my favorite theory) he was an angel. :-)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
a song
Gently
Peacefully
Joyfully
His spirit rests upon us
Lift your eyes of faith to see
The one who came to set you free
And may we see
A little more
Of Jesus today
Jesus, Jesus how I trust him
how I've proved him
over and over
My Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for faith
to trust Him more
Peacefully
Joyfully
His spirit rests upon us
Lift your eyes of faith to see
The one who came to set you free
And may we see
A little more
Of Jesus today
Jesus, Jesus how I trust him
how I've proved him
over and over
My Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for faith
to trust Him more
Friday, June 17, 2011
Les Miz bound
I think it's funny that life is unpredictable. I am going to see Les Miserables. It's in the 25th year. I saw it in the late 80's. I think it's weird that I can't remember exactly when I saw it. But I remember the experience like it was yesterday. In the Shubert Theatre, I felt like I had been there before. That was the first weird thing. Then as the show went on I was transported, apart from my companions, something happened. I call it, IN THE ZONE. Ha ha. I was in the zone. I can't wait to experience it again with my husband. He has never seen it, he has bronchitis, and I still think he will love it. It's gonna be a trip.
I think it's nice when we get little suprises in life. Blessings are abundant most of the time. We just don't take the time to notice. I entered this little video contest and made a silly video with my dog, and now I'm getting orchestra seats on opening night for Les Miserables 25th anniversary production. God is good.
I think it's nice when we get little suprises in life. Blessings are abundant most of the time. We just don't take the time to notice. I entered this little video contest and made a silly video with my dog, and now I'm getting orchestra seats on opening night for Les Miserables 25th anniversary production. God is good.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Change
There have been times in my life where change has been thrust upon me.
There have also been times when I have purposely made a change.
Then there are times when you know something has to change, but you are not quite sure how to go about it. This is where I'm at.
Praying for change is scary at times. It doesn't come with comfy feelings. In fact, for me, it makes me nervous. It's amazing how many negative thoughts I had about myself today while I was getting ready for a job interview. I had to stop myself. This is the devil trying to defeat me. Trying to pull down every success before it even happens. I have been speaking scripture all day. The last thing the devil wants is to see me succeed. So, I have learned to expect these "attacks" on my self esteem, and I am coming out with my spiritual guns blazing.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I do believe that. I know a lot of people do. But the point I think a lot of us miss is that this is being done daily. God is prospering us daily, if we let Him. It might take a while to get to where we think we are supposed to be but that doesn't mean we are not on the right track.
Faith. Just faith. I can do that.
I think that I have used a lot of excuses to justify my behavior. I have been doing too many things that I can, and not enough things that I should. But, I know that what I should do is not worry about it. Circumstances are gonna mess up your life no matter what. It's how you deal with it that is the true test of character. God has never let me down before. There is no reason to worry. When we worry, I think it hurts God's feelings because really what we're saying is, "I don't trust you". I don't want God to think for one second that I don't trust him! So, each time a negative thought comes into my head, or I get a little uncomfortable with life, I just say "LORD! That's not me!" and He always says , "Yeah, I know." I know that He loves me in spite of my negative self. He allows me to view myself with a great sense of humor and I am grateful. I just kinda laugh at some of the thoughts in my head. But, I think that's progress. :-)
There have also been times when I have purposely made a change.
Then there are times when you know something has to change, but you are not quite sure how to go about it. This is where I'm at.
Praying for change is scary at times. It doesn't come with comfy feelings. In fact, for me, it makes me nervous. It's amazing how many negative thoughts I had about myself today while I was getting ready for a job interview. I had to stop myself. This is the devil trying to defeat me. Trying to pull down every success before it even happens. I have been speaking scripture all day. The last thing the devil wants is to see me succeed. So, I have learned to expect these "attacks" on my self esteem, and I am coming out with my spiritual guns blazing.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I do believe that. I know a lot of people do. But the point I think a lot of us miss is that this is being done daily. God is prospering us daily, if we let Him. It might take a while to get to where we think we are supposed to be but that doesn't mean we are not on the right track.
Faith. Just faith. I can do that.
I think that I have used a lot of excuses to justify my behavior. I have been doing too many things that I can, and not enough things that I should. But, I know that what I should do is not worry about it. Circumstances are gonna mess up your life no matter what. It's how you deal with it that is the true test of character. God has never let me down before. There is no reason to worry. When we worry, I think it hurts God's feelings because really what we're saying is, "I don't trust you". I don't want God to think for one second that I don't trust him! So, each time a negative thought comes into my head, or I get a little uncomfortable with life, I just say "LORD! That's not me!" and He always says , "Yeah, I know." I know that He loves me in spite of my negative self. He allows me to view myself with a great sense of humor and I am grateful. I just kinda laugh at some of the thoughts in my head. But, I think that's progress. :-)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
afternoon visitor
I know there is a spiritual pull in my life that is connected to those who have passed. I don't know if everyone "hears from" their loved ones like I do, but it happens to me a lot. My mother-in-law passed about a year and a half ago. The other day I was cleaning my sink and I thought of her. I was using Clorox clean-up spray. This item came high recommended by her. Especially after she helped my husband Jerry and I clean our rental house before we moved out. I must admit, the house was pretty dirty. But I didn't really feel the need to clean that week because I knew we were going to be moving. I remember Mike, my mother-in-law, who was a clean freak, made a memorable comment.
"If I ever come to your new house and it's this dirty, you and I are gonna dance Missy, and I don't mean tango!"
She also loaded up her blue Chevy Avalanche with her carpet shampoo-er and proceeded to shampoo the entire house twice. God I loved that woman.
So, today I was cleaning my sink with Clorox clean-up and I thought of Mike; then I looked out my kitchen window and I saw a blue Chevy Avalanche drive by. Then I said, "Hi mom".
Some of you may scoff and say that is just a coincidence. I say no.
Then I went and kissed my husband. She loved him so much. I know she is watching over us.
By the way;
When we finally got moved in to the new place Mike came to visit us. She brought us a housewarming gift; a years supply of cleaning products. She wasn't one for subtlety.
I will always miss her. Til I see her again in heaven.
"If I ever come to your new house and it's this dirty, you and I are gonna dance Missy, and I don't mean tango!"
She also loaded up her blue Chevy Avalanche with her carpet shampoo-er and proceeded to shampoo the entire house twice. God I loved that woman.
So, today I was cleaning my sink with Clorox clean-up and I thought of Mike; then I looked out my kitchen window and I saw a blue Chevy Avalanche drive by. Then I said, "Hi mom".
Some of you may scoff and say that is just a coincidence. I say no.
Then I went and kissed my husband. She loved him so much. I know she is watching over us.
By the way;
When we finally got moved in to the new place Mike came to visit us. She brought us a housewarming gift; a years supply of cleaning products. She wasn't one for subtlety.
I will always miss her. Til I see her again in heaven.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Contest
I recently entered a contest to win front row seats to Les Miserables when it comes to LA. This was a fun project. I have to thank my dog Momo for being such a great sport. I showed this to my husband and he thinks I have lost my mind. Haha! However, I came in this morning to see him watching it again.
I saw Les Miserables in 1989 when is came to LA. I just remember being absolutely transported. It's just incredible. One of my dream roles has always been Madame Thenardier so this video is kind of a spoof on that, with little Mo playing Cosette.
Yes, I am a goofball....
It's one of my best qualities.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Blog therapy
It could be intimidating to read a blog post with this title. I am mostly posting this today for my own benefit. This whole blog idea is a way to get some of the crap that is in my head, out of my head. So, with that disclaimer out there.....read on. Perhaps you'll recognize some of this "crap". Sorry so crass, it's my mood.
I am so glad that I have the scriptures. I know that they are very powerful when used in prayer. Today I am feeling consumed. My mind is a constant dripping faucet of negativity. I feel overwhelmed at times. Today is one of those days. I read a verse today that helped me feel some peace.
This I call to mind and therefore I have hope;
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassion's never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:21-23)
Thank God for new mornings!
I think maybe by the time I turn 45 I might figure out how to be a grown-up. I wonder if I will always feel like a 15 year old. I am always amazed that so many of my close friends describe me as a strong woman. I think I give off that persona. It's my stature and intense expressions. I am after all, an actress. At times I think it serves me well. But there is something about being an actress that allows you to hide pieces of yourself away. I know many actor-types that would probably beg to differ with me...or maybe not. But; I do think its a fine line between reality and the escapist tendencies of the artist. It's just too dang easy to "act" like we know what we're doing instead of doing the work of being, becoming, and changing. What I'm trying to say is this; I'm tired of acting strong; time to BE strong! I am unlimited! I feel a change coming on.
I am so glad that I have the scriptures. I know that they are very powerful when used in prayer. Today I am feeling consumed. My mind is a constant dripping faucet of negativity. I feel overwhelmed at times. Today is one of those days. I read a verse today that helped me feel some peace.
This I call to mind and therefore I have hope;
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassion's never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:21-23)
Thank God for new mornings!
I think maybe by the time I turn 45 I might figure out how to be a grown-up. I wonder if I will always feel like a 15 year old. I am always amazed that so many of my close friends describe me as a strong woman. I think I give off that persona. It's my stature and intense expressions. I am after all, an actress. At times I think it serves me well. But there is something about being an actress that allows you to hide pieces of yourself away. I know many actor-types that would probably beg to differ with me...or maybe not. But; I do think its a fine line between reality and the escapist tendencies of the artist. It's just too dang easy to "act" like we know what we're doing instead of doing the work of being, becoming, and changing. What I'm trying to say is this; I'm tired of acting strong; time to BE strong! I am unlimited! I feel a change coming on.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Forgiveness
It says in the word that we must forgive and pray for our enemies. Enemy is a strong word for me because I don't feel that I really have any. One of the perks of being a wimp I guess. But I do have people whom I would equate with the word, and its always for the same reason; because they hurt me in some way. There are a few people in particular that I have struggled for years to forgive. I know that the word of God says that if we do not forgive, He won't either. It's only fair I think, it is for our own good. But, man! It's hard. I get the concept and I want it and I say it, but I just don't feel it. I want to feel it because God knows whats best for me and I trust Him.....but...it's really hard to forgive someone who never even acknowledged that they did anything wrong. At this point, an acknowledgement would suffice because it's too late for I'm sorry.
I was discussing this with my two girlfriends at lunch today. They both know me and know about my past experiences. One of them told me today that I seem sad. I haven't seen her in about six months. She told me to pray for those that I am having trouble forgiving. "Try it for 15 days and see what happens, and if you skip a day you have to start over." So, I am. For the first time, I'm gonna pray for my enemies. It's not like I haven't heard this concept before, but like I said, the word "enemy"....I guess I got hung up on that. Then I looked it up. One of the definitions of "enemy" is ; "something destructive or injurious in it's effects". I thought; yep, that's it. So, anyway, I'm praying.
"Forgive and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37.
And now for some free-form poetry:
I am continuing my journey on the path of life with my broom in hand.
It has been cluttered by the things that I allow to get in my way because I never swept them up
I think I need a vacuum cleaner
Man I am good. :-)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Identity
"The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose"
Who am I? Age old question. So many ways to go with this. The only answer to this question that ever gives me any peace is; I am a child of God.
I have a lot of labels. Some of them I like, some of them...not so much. The ones I hate the most are usually the ones that I gave myself. Some aren't worth mentioning. I have to think of my identity as someone who is good, and I am good. Knowing that God wants me to do good in the world gives me purpose. Knowing that my plans are not His plans is a pain in the butt. Why? You may ask? Because I'm a rebel. It's weird but I'm a quiet, contemplative, extremely observent rebel. I don't know how I got so hard-headed (as my mom would say). Purging this information is my way of transforming. It's my way of not being ruled by fear. I heard someone say once that we always think that we are tempted to do evil. But how many times have we been tempted to do good... and then we don't do it? Hmm? This is me, doing something good. Providing myself with yet, another label; Blogger
The question of identity is something that I struggle with. I have a real problem with labels. I don't believe in them. They are put there primarily by people who don't really know you and they are, almost always, wrong. Wrong assumptions can damage self esteem. It brings to mind my favorite musical, "Wicked". Each of the characters in Wicked has a label. They are called "good", or "wonderful", or "wicked", just to name a few. Though each of these characters do make a transition, they are unable to change until thier true identity is revealed. We stifle ourselves with labels. We waste a lot of time. Which label have you held onto the longest? Is it a good one? Or a bad one?
Who am I? Age old question. So many ways to go with this. The only answer to this question that ever gives me any peace is; I am a child of God.
I have a lot of labels. Some of them I like, some of them...not so much. The ones I hate the most are usually the ones that I gave myself. Some aren't worth mentioning. I have to think of my identity as someone who is good, and I am good. Knowing that God wants me to do good in the world gives me purpose. Knowing that my plans are not His plans is a pain in the butt. Why? You may ask? Because I'm a rebel. It's weird but I'm a quiet, contemplative, extremely observent rebel. I don't know how I got so hard-headed (as my mom would say). Purging this information is my way of transforming. It's my way of not being ruled by fear. I heard someone say once that we always think that we are tempted to do evil. But how many times have we been tempted to do good... and then we don't do it? Hmm? This is me, doing something good. Providing myself with yet, another label; Blogger
The question of identity is something that I struggle with. I have a real problem with labels. I don't believe in them. They are put there primarily by people who don't really know you and they are, almost always, wrong. Wrong assumptions can damage self esteem. It brings to mind my favorite musical, "Wicked". Each of the characters in Wicked has a label. They are called "good", or "wonderful", or "wicked", just to name a few. Though each of these characters do make a transition, they are unable to change until thier true identity is revealed. We stifle ourselves with labels. We waste a lot of time. Which label have you held onto the longest? Is it a good one? Or a bad one?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Fear
We live in a wild and unpredictable world. Human beings are becoming less and less affected by chaos because we think its normal. But really, what we are doing is compartmentalizing our situations with the purpose of "dealing with them" later. The ultimate procrastination. I didn't realize I was doing this. But I was. I've been doing it my whole life.
I had an epiphany recently. It's weird to say this now, but I just realized that my main mode of operation is fear. Yes, fear. That might strike you as an oddity, if you don't know me well, but it's true. I remember, as a young person, I was described as shy. I always hated that description and was embarrassed by it. I'm not shy, just mild mannered, keep my mouth shut most of the time. But, I would go so far to say that I am timid. I sometimes have to force myself to do things socially.
When I was in highschool, we had to attend chapel every Wednesday morning. We would always recite the school verse. Proverbs 9:10; "The fear of the Lord is the begining of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding" This is the kind of fear that means great reverence and respect. I began to wonder why, after reciting this verse, week after week, year after year; I fear everything that I shouldn't. I knew the words, I just wasn't grasping the deep message in this verse. God only wants us to fear Him. Nothing else is worth it. There should be no fears when we have Him. Knowing Him helps me to understand who I am in this world.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, and of power and of a self discipline" II Timothy 1:7
So, even though I know I'm not perfect. I am taking a stand against fear. It has no place in my life. My compartments are full. It's time to take the trash out.
I had an epiphany recently. It's weird to say this now, but I just realized that my main mode of operation is fear. Yes, fear. That might strike you as an oddity, if you don't know me well, but it's true. I remember, as a young person, I was described as shy. I always hated that description and was embarrassed by it. I'm not shy, just mild mannered, keep my mouth shut most of the time. But, I would go so far to say that I am timid. I sometimes have to force myself to do things socially.
When I was in highschool, we had to attend chapel every Wednesday morning. We would always recite the school verse. Proverbs 9:10; "The fear of the Lord is the begining of wisdom and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding" This is the kind of fear that means great reverence and respect. I began to wonder why, after reciting this verse, week after week, year after year; I fear everything that I shouldn't. I knew the words, I just wasn't grasping the deep message in this verse. God only wants us to fear Him. Nothing else is worth it. There should be no fears when we have Him. Knowing Him helps me to understand who I am in this world.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love, and of power and of a self discipline" II Timothy 1:7
So, even though I know I'm not perfect. I am taking a stand against fear. It has no place in my life. My compartments are full. It's time to take the trash out.
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