the difference

it's okay sometimes to lose control and give yourself up to the tides of life.

after years of confusion and uncertainty to finally learn the truth

make amends, reminisce, and accept

sometimes it makes sense and it makes everything ok in your heart

it can be healing and empowering in ways that I never anticipated

life is endlessly uncertain and surprising

against our will, the memories still bring smiles

and we must go on

it can be enough if we let it

still the yearning of what could be is ever present

as always

I am not where I want to be

I may never be

but I won't ever quit trying to get there

peace is always worth a try

on the way, I will continue to love my family

the only constant love I have known

picking up pieces of bliss along the way

because, frankly, I deserve it

willing to try if I am met

if not, I am ok

there are still little jewels in life to be discovered

cherished and held

I can tell what is real and sincere

and hold on to those things

and they make life better

there is only one kind of love

the one that is unconditional

the one that accepts

the one that tries to make you happy

even for a moment

it makes all the difference to me

Jobs

           As an artist, I have resigned to the fact that odd jobs go along with this life. Unfortunately, that is the reality. I have always believed that theatre will prepare you for any job. I do not believe that anymore. I have a wide variety of non-theatrical jobs on my resume; Waitress (of course), Retail, Accounting, Care provider, Reception, Manicurist, Child care, Call Center, Residential Care, Starbucks, etc. This list is endless. I can now add Warehouse worker to that list and tell you that my positive attitude and my theatrical training made no difference. I have never hated a job more in my life. Not to mention I was surrounded by hundreds of zombie-like people who hated it just as much as I did. I cannot survive or thrive in an atmosphere of dread and with absolutely no human interaction. I survived my shifts with no music, no cell phones and only my thoughts. Of course, having just finished one of the most fulfilling artistic achievements of my life, in my head, I was reliving it. Not only that but the past performances and characters that I have come to know through the arts. My mind went to a monologue from The Glass Menagerie. In the play Tom is a poet who works in a shoe factory.

"Listen! You think I'm crazy about the warehouse?  You think I'm in love with Continental Shoemakers? You think that I want to spend fifty-five years down there in that - celotex interior! with-fluorescent-tubes! Look! I'd rather somebody packed up a crowbar and battered out my brains-than go back mornings! I go! Every time you come in yelling that Goddamn 'Rise and Shine! Rise and Shine!' I say to myself, 'How lucky dead people are!' But I get up. I go! For sixty-five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self-self's all I ever think of! Why, listen, if self is what I thought of, Mother, I'd be where he is-GONE! [He points to his father's picture.] As far as the system of transportation reaches!"

Celotex interior. Fluorescent tubes. That's what I kept thinking. So instead of taking a crowbar and bashing out my brains, I have decided to quit. An artist cannot survive in this atmosphere. I will get out before Tom did.

The truth... and you're welcome

Let me just say this.  Right away. I'm not into participation trophies. You know how schools and sports teams give recognition trophies?? It is counter productive. I work in the youth theatre arena. I know, first hand that theatre can be hard, and cruel, and brutally honest and at times. unfair. I understand that many parents want to involve their kids in this element to "just have fun" with no intentions of going any further with it.....and that's fine. But for me, as a director, and as someone who has seen what it's  like in the real professional theatre world, I'm sorry, but I feel an obligation to be honest. Theatre is hard. It's extremely competitive, and you have to have a thick skin if you want to continue in this art. I am all about encouragement and building confidence, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough in this politically correct world. I have great passion in teaching kids and building confidence and giving constructive criticism. However, I am not one to give credit where credit isn't due. You have to impress me. I feel as though my expectations are mild compared to the REAL theatre world. I want to help and teach, but I am simply not going to build false hope in any kid, I feel that is cruel. Someone has to tell the truth. I guess it's me. This is, indeed, kind of a strange calling. But I have always prided my self on my honesty.
  Of course every parent thinks that thier kid is a star. We have all seen American Idol right? Sometimes it's not true. Fortunately, I get to work with kids when they are young and they have untapped potential. Singing lessons, acting lessons, speech or improv classes can help them before their bad habits take over. But even I am not a miracle worker. Kids who are naturally gifted STILL need to work at it. That's simply the reality. I guess I am posting this to state that I understand the struggle. It's hard. Being an actor or a musical performer is hard! It takes years of experience and dedication. That's all I'm getting at. Be ready for it. If this is something you really want to do, be ready. I hope you love auditioning, because that's the bulk of what you will do. Every once in a while you will get cast and that is the reward. Love perfoming. Love perfecting your craft through acting classes or dance or improv or whatever you do best. This is the true life of a performer in this world today. Get used to it. Enjoy it, celebrate it, and love it. That's the only way you will be happy with it. Believe me, I know.

Just thinking

For a long time, I was wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. What was going to make a difference? What was going to be fulfilling? As I got older, it seemed to gnaw on me. I have this theatrical education, and no day job. It's kind of depressing. The artist suffers. I think that's how it is supposed to be unfortunately. In a perfect world, and if I all of a sudden became financially   independent, I would build my own theatre. I would make a commune for actors and artists to explore and create. I would also buy a big piece of property and build kennels for homeless dogs. It would be an animal and artist paradise. That would be heaven on earth for me.
     I fell into directing and teaching theatre unintentionally. I considered myself an actor, solely. But, I have found that, especially when the parts and opportunities for me started getting scarce, God said, " Hey....try this, I think you will like it.."  I was always kinda bossy and I felt like I knew more than my directors anyway. Haha! No seriously, I had a diva problem in college. But that was a sign. Acting is great and wonderful and I love it, but directing.....researching, living with a script, ( I mean like REALLY living with a script) is what I do best. Research is a true love of mine. So, the cliché is true "What I really want to do is direct."
     I had some brilliant directors to learn from. I have performed in many productions and for some reason, even though I loved it, it didn't fit quite perfectly. I was always wanting to be more. I still would never give up a great role, and I still audition for things, but there is a nervousness that appears when I act that isn't there when I direct. It's different... wonderfully so, and you can't even compare the two. Stress is still involved either way but it is really like two completely opposite ideals. We are fighting for the same truth from opposite ends.
  It's also ironic that I, as a woman who never had children of my own, have so many now through theatre. It's a gift to be able to see these kids blossom and grow. I feel like a mom. I have like 54 kids right now. It's incredibly fulfilling. And I don't have to take them home. Seriously though, I am thankful to the parents who allow me to spend time with their kids and teach them about theatre. I love to encourage them and see them grow. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent bursting with pride at the performance that their kid is giving. Seeing them break out of their shell and becoming an artist, ....that's my job, to help them do that. What a blessing.

The Calling

This is actually an old post. But I have been reminded lately of these wise words as I found myself quoting them very recently.

   The conversation was about content. Working for a youth theatre, these questions come up.
Should we be editing scripts, or should we practice the real calling? I am not a fan of editing. If the content is really not appropriate for youth it simply should not be done. However, let's not discount a show or a character simply because they are rough around the edges. We hold up a mirror in theatre. We just reflect society. These imperfect people exist. Perhaps how we react to them and what we can learn from them should be the real question. The following is the post that I wrote a few years ago from which I have been reminded of this concept. I hope to be a role model like her...........






  In 1986 I was in a production of The Little Foxes at Mt San Jacinto College. I had the extreme pleasure of working with Marion Carter. Marion was a great lady and a very respected member of the local acting community. She was best known for playing the role of the Senora in the Ramona Outdoor Play for 20 some odd years. Anyway, at our last performance of Foxes, all those years ago, her husband Phil brought flowers for every single woman in the cast, and Marion handed out gifts. To me, she gave a framed picture with the following words;

"...For the fact is that an actor on the stage is no more an ordinary human being (and therefore a mere host, entertaining a group of friends in a domestic setting) than a priest is at an alter or a judge is on a bench. An actor practices a calling that, though it is now commonly held to be profane, began by being sacred; it is a calling that sets him apart from the rest of us, formally estranging him in order that, in the fashion of priests and judges, he can serve as our chosen surrogate. Historically, it has been a tradition for actors - again, like priests and judges - to assume a ceremonial disguise, which establishes their distance from us and helps to obliterate in them the usual tell-tale distinctions of age, sex, and personality. By means of costume, makeup, and devices of posture and voice, actors become other than themselves; kings and varlets, saints and sinners, heroes and villains, they are transformed for our sake and to our astonishment into whoever we are and whatever we are, at our best and worst..." Brendan Gill

Another notable thing to mention about Marion is that she encouraged me to continue my theatre studies at a time when I was questioning myself and my decisions. I will always be grateful for that.

Columbia House and the power of influence.

       When I was a kid, my mom used to get this catalog in the mail from the Columbia House Record and Tape Club. It was like a subscription and you had to order a certain number of things per year. It was always fun to look through it and decide, with moms help, what kind of music we wanted to order. She would usually pick something each time that we had asked for along with her favorites like Elvis, The Eagles, The Carpenters, Captain and Tennille, etc. She also liked to order soundtracks from musicals and film. American Graffiti stands out in my mind, I'm pretty sure I can sing every song on that recording. Jesus Christ Superstar came next, then there was Annie. I was 9 when the show was a hit on Broadway and I was an Andrea McArdle fan because I had seen her in magazines and on talk shows. I played the music endlessly. I imitated each character, I could sing the whole thing. To this day, it is the one soundtrack I know, inside and out.
   Last month, I directed a production of Annie Jr., which is a shortened version, but classic. You
can only imagine the fulfillment I had in my heart and the confidence I had in knowing this material. It was a "full circle moment' in my life. I have discovered in the past few years, my true joy and purpose in life; teaching, being a positive influence, and encouraging kids in the arts community. The fact that there are fewer and fewer theatrical opportunities for kids in school is sad. I have seen many of my students who have been somewhat stigmatized by the fact that they are in musicals; "drama geeks" if you will. What used to be a normal elective in High School is now non-existent, in a lot of public schools. I have the opportunity to inform them of the greatness that is theatre, music, drama, musicals, dance, with the help of my fantastic colleges (yet another blessing) whom I learn from as well. So, I am thankful. Once again, God has fulfilled one of the desires of my heart. Because He loves me.
 Thanks to mom for the 8-tracks.