Wow, it's been almost a year since my last blog post. I was having trouble signing into it and I finally had the time and the patience and the desire to fix it today.
SO MUCH HAS GONE ON THIS PAST YEAR!
I won't even try to catch you all up. Lets just say, again, I'm still here. I still have problems and passions. I still have trials and triumphs. I still sell myself short and I'm still loved very much. Thank God.
Thank God because it is God and God alone that has helped me through one of the toughest years of my life. It is God working through people, and books, and dreams, and hugs, and songs, and church, and theatre, and jobs, and loss. His is the only love that is unfailing and constant.
I don't want to say that I had lost my faith, but in a way I did. Lets just say I lost my way, my connection was damaged. Sometimes when we are in the midst of trials and the stress takes over, you make bad choices. My bad choice was to think that I could handle everything just like I always had and things would eventually get happy again. But I had lost my connection. I wasn't plugged into and truly listening to that voice in my head....the good voice I mean. I did a lot of ignoring because I was feeling weak and mentally unstable. Ignoring is an act of rebellion. That good voice, the one I was ignoring, was my way out.
I can truly say that I was living on the edge of what I thought was a nervous breakdown. It scared me that I couldn't fix it or get over it this time. So, I got out of the situation that I was in. I felt relieved for a while and better. Then the panic and anxiety started to come back even worse. I know now that it was because I still wasn't plugged in. I blamed it on everything else. Mainly the fact that I lost my medical insurance and couldn't afford my happy pills anymore. I was so used to being numb. I wasn't used to feeling things fully because I have been on meds for almost 7 years. When I say meds, I mean antidepressants. I can say it. I can say and not call it happy pills. There. I did it.
There is so much shame that is attached to needing medication and admitting that you are really depressed and you just can't snap out of it. If you haven't been there it's hard to really get, but one thing I have learned; at least in my situation, is that meds can also be a crutch. Another mask I can put on. Another diversion. So I don't have to deal with reality. In the meantime the situations that are causing stress are becoming too much, even for the meds.
So I've had to put on my big girl panties and deal with life. I've had to go way back to the root of what has caused all the bitterness. Dig up that thing that is rotting all my fruit. It goes way back. In fact, it surprised me how far back it went. But once I unearthed it, it made total sense. The consequences of a rebellious spirit aren't anything to take lightly. Especially when one takes it on and wears it like a crown for decades. Eventually, it will fail.
What I have learned and what seems to be working for me is finally trying to live a righteous life. That means staying plugged into church, setting boundaries, praying (A LOT), journaling, reading, and using the tools that God has given me to slay the enemy. The amour of God is real. Only when I am suited up do I have the ability to deal with life and all the struggles that come with it.
So, I plugged myself back in. I'm powering up. I feel better. I'm not at 100% and I may not ever be but I am so glad that I can see the light again.
"I have been given God's precious and magnificent promises by which I AM A PARTAKER of the divine nature" (2 Peter 1:4)
Good stuff. I'm back baby.
