Just thinking

For a long time, I was wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. What was going to make a difference? What was going to be fulfilling? As I got older, it seemed to gnaw on me. I have this theatrical education, and no day job. It's kind of depressing. The artist suffers. I think that's how it is supposed to be unfortunately. In a perfect world, and if I all of a sudden became financially   independent, I would build my own theatre. I would make a commune for actors and artists to explore and create. I would also buy a big piece of property and build kennels for homeless dogs. It would be an animal and artist paradise. That would be heaven on earth for me.
     I fell into directing and teaching theatre unintentionally. I considered myself an actor, solely. But, I have found that, especially when the parts and opportunities for me started getting scarce, God said, " Hey....try this, I think you will like it.."  I was always kinda bossy and I felt like I knew more than my directors anyway. Haha! No seriously, I had a diva problem in college. But that was a sign. Acting is great and wonderful and I love it, but directing.....researching, living with a script, ( I mean like REALLY living with a script) is what I do best. Research is a true love of mine. So, the cliché is true "What I really want to do is direct."
     I had some brilliant directors to learn from. I have performed in many productions and for some reason, even though I loved it, it didn't fit quite perfectly. I was always wanting to be more. I still would never give up a great role, and I still audition for things, but there is a nervousness that appears when I act that isn't there when I direct. It's different... wonderfully so, and you can't even compare the two. Stress is still involved either way but it is really like two completely opposite ideals. We are fighting for the same truth from opposite ends.
  It's also ironic that I, as a woman who never had children of my own, have so many now through theatre. It's a gift to be able to see these kids blossom and grow. I feel like a mom. I have like 54 kids right now. It's incredibly fulfilling. And I don't have to take them home. Seriously though, I am thankful to the parents who allow me to spend time with their kids and teach them about theatre. I love to encourage them and see them grow. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a parent bursting with pride at the performance that their kid is giving. Seeing them break out of their shell and becoming an artist, ....that's my job, to help them do that. What a blessing.

The Calling

This is actually an old post. But I have been reminded lately of these wise words as I found myself quoting them very recently.

   The conversation was about content. Working for a youth theatre, these questions come up.
Should we be editing scripts, or should we practice the real calling? I am not a fan of editing. If the content is really not appropriate for youth it simply should not be done. However, let's not discount a show or a character simply because they are rough around the edges. We hold up a mirror in theatre. We just reflect society. These imperfect people exist. Perhaps how we react to them and what we can learn from them should be the real question. The following is the post that I wrote a few years ago from which I have been reminded of this concept. I hope to be a role model like her...........






  In 1986 I was in a production of The Little Foxes at Mt San Jacinto College. I had the extreme pleasure of working with Marion Carter. Marion was a great lady and a very respected member of the local acting community. She was best known for playing the role of the Senora in the Ramona Outdoor Play for 20 some odd years. Anyway, at our last performance of Foxes, all those years ago, her husband Phil brought flowers for every single woman in the cast, and Marion handed out gifts. To me, she gave a framed picture with the following words;

"...For the fact is that an actor on the stage is no more an ordinary human being (and therefore a mere host, entertaining a group of friends in a domestic setting) than a priest is at an alter or a judge is on a bench. An actor practices a calling that, though it is now commonly held to be profane, began by being sacred; it is a calling that sets him apart from the rest of us, formally estranging him in order that, in the fashion of priests and judges, he can serve as our chosen surrogate. Historically, it has been a tradition for actors - again, like priests and judges - to assume a ceremonial disguise, which establishes their distance from us and helps to obliterate in them the usual tell-tale distinctions of age, sex, and personality. By means of costume, makeup, and devices of posture and voice, actors become other than themselves; kings and varlets, saints and sinners, heroes and villains, they are transformed for our sake and to our astonishment into whoever we are and whatever we are, at our best and worst..." Brendan Gill

Another notable thing to mention about Marion is that she encouraged me to continue my theatre studies at a time when I was questioning myself and my decisions. I will always be grateful for that.

Columbia House and the power of influence.

       When I was a kid, my mom used to get this catalog in the mail from the Columbia House Record and Tape Club. It was like a subscription and you had to order a certain number of things per year. It was always fun to look through it and decide, with moms help, what kind of music we wanted to order. She would usually pick something each time that we had asked for along with her favorites like Elvis, The Eagles, The Carpenters, Captain and Tennille, etc. She also liked to order soundtracks from musicals and film. American Graffiti stands out in my mind, I'm pretty sure I can sing every song on that recording. Jesus Christ Superstar came next, then there was Annie. I was 9 when the show was a hit on Broadway and I was an Andrea McArdle fan because I had seen her in magazines and on talk shows. I played the music endlessly. I imitated each character, I could sing the whole thing. To this day, it is the one soundtrack I know, inside and out.
   Last month, I directed a production of Annie Jr., which is a shortened version, but classic. You
can only imagine the fulfillment I had in my heart and the confidence I had in knowing this material. It was a "full circle moment' in my life. I have discovered in the past few years, my true joy and purpose in life; teaching, being a positive influence, and encouraging kids in the arts community. The fact that there are fewer and fewer theatrical opportunities for kids in school is sad. I have seen many of my students who have been somewhat stigmatized by the fact that they are in musicals; "drama geeks" if you will. What used to be a normal elective in High School is now non-existent, in a lot of public schools. I have the opportunity to inform them of the greatness that is theatre, music, drama, musicals, dance, with the help of my fantastic colleges (yet another blessing) whom I learn from as well. So, I am thankful. Once again, God has fulfilled one of the desires of my heart. Because He loves me.
 Thanks to mom for the 8-tracks.

I started this a year ago....but I finished it tonight

         What you allow is what will continue...

I really don't think that God is into punishment, but he allows us to punish ourselves.

For me that's how I seem to learn, the hard way, it gives one perspective, wisdom and strength. I allowed it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Perhaps this is not "healthy" but it's what I have cultivated, I mustn't dismiss that I have, at times had a dark cloud hovering over me. I have at times been ridiculously negative and had to fight against the smothering feelings of self pity and self loathing.

I am thankful for my Christian upbringing. I have always had a rock to cling on to when the seas of life were thrashing me around. I love church. I do not always choose to go, but when I do; it's family. I believe in a personal relationship with my creator. It is one of my favorite things that I can claim; a "personal relationship" with God. Just mine.

I have been unhappy with the effects of time on my body. I am 47 today. That is weird. As I write this, my husband is handing me a Reese's Peanut butter Ice cream cup and I am gladly eating it. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my trainer at the gym. I signed up for a year of training; my birthday present to me. I met with him once already, we did weights and worked my upper body and arms. I couldn't move the next day but it feels good. Not only that but my trainer guessed my age to be 33-35yrs. So yay me!

God has shown His face to me. I have turned a corner from fear;.....and He had to take me to my personal bottom line before I saw it. I am that stubborn.

I am only allowing good and kind things this year. I believe in people, and their goodness and I believe that if I am kind and good I will attract that in my own life. I am claiming new and exciting things.

This is my birthday wish to me.

25 Truths

    I saw this going around on Facebook for a while; and I kept thinking, "if nobody tags me, then it's a blogpost".....well, nobody tagged me. Which is probably a good thing. Because who knows what's gonna happen.

TRUTHS:

1: When my sister was born, I received a Gumby and Pokey doll. I was a month shy of being three. It was 1969.
2.That same Christmas, I received a drumset from my uncle, and I gave my sister the chicken pox.
3. I have a very good memory compared to most people I know
4. In 3rd grade I was in a Christmas play called "Mr. Grumpy's Workshop",  I played Big Doll #1, That was the beginning of my theatrical career.
5. I went to a small private school and I feel that it sheltered me.
6. When I was 19, I was attacked by a German Shepherd.
7. I love Lucy....and every episode.
8. I love dogs (but I am still a little scared a German Shepherds)
9. I am reclusive
10. My friends are my friends forever
11. I used to hate being the eldest child and I wanted a big brother
12. When I was 13 I almost ran away from home
13. I am a great cook
14. Calm under pressure
15. My parents are still married
16. I strive to be the best aunt to my nieces and nephews
17. Animals listen to me
18. I taught myself to play the piano and the bass
19. Teaching is the most surreal thing I've ever done
20. I have a large birthmark on the back of my left leg. Known to my family as "Wheat bread leg" due to it's resemblance to toast.
21. I would rather stay home than go out.
22. Some of my old friends call me "Klam".
23. I love old movies
24. I am a good mimic
25. I have many dreams still unfulfilled

Teaching and Serving

I am teaching again. Titan Theatre Guild from NDHS is doing "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown". This is my fourth and most challenging year taking part in their yearly musical. We are approaching what we call "MAGIC WEEK" at Notre Dame. This means we move into the performance space and everything suddenly becomes very real for some kids. Yet for some reason it magically comes together. I love this analogy because it's so true. Even in professional theatre there is a "Magic Week" of sorts.
       I think this year is more challenging because we double cast and because our roles aren't cast gender specific. So I have a girl playing Charlie in one cast. Both of my Snoopys' are girls and I have one girl Linus and one girl Shroeder. Got that? It has come down to me teaching girls how to transpose their part. It's not as easy as it sounds. It has also resulted in me giving a speech about character acting and referring to The Muppets a lot. Anyone who knows this show knows it could be performed by any age performer as long as they had the character down. Don't you think? Is it just me, or would you like to see Charlie Brown performed by senior citizens. I would pay to see that.

On a different note; I am working at Center Stage Dinner Theatre and I love it. Serving food and setting up and this weekend; helping with quick changes. I like my "role" as a server. It's kinda perfect for me.

PLEASE SUPPORT LOCAL THEATRE!!!!


P.S. This was my life tonight. Can you guess the show?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202287033607160&set=vb.1530701341&type=2&theater

Advice

I'm not gonna say that I don't need advice. In fact, for most of my life I obsess on it. I consider it. But that doesn't mean I always follow it.

I crave opinions. I really want to know what other people think. Sometimes I hate that about myself. But even still, I use it in some way to make my own decisions. I mix it up with the things that I know have worked in the past. By nature I am a collaborator. Be it, in a professional setting in the theatre world, or in my own personal life.

My life; and I don't say this to be a "Debbie Downer" in many ways, has been challenging. It's not what I planned for myself. But one thing I have learned is you can't plan your life...really. It happens, and you have to handle the good with the bad and recognize the difference. You have to open your eyes to the good parts. Sometimes they are hard to see, but they are ALWAYS there. I have to look for them. But that, in itself is a good thing.

God knows I'm a smart cookie. He made me that way. I think He delights in seeing me figure it out as I go along. He wants me to use my brain and my intuition; both of which are gifts that He has given me.

I know that there are many people in my world who offer their thoughts. I listen. I pray. But in the end, it is me, and me alone who can come face to face with God and really discuss the reality. The only truth I hear, truly is from Him.

I have many people, who love and care about me. That, alone, is reason to be eternally grateful. I respect those who have gone before me in similar life situations. But whatever they may be, they are ot MY situations. I intend to keep trusting God and His intentions for my life. Sometimes it takes longer than I would hope. But that's okay. Waiting it out, is kind of exciting.

Living life, is a constant adventure. I intend to enjoy it. No matter what. Make the most of it and LIVE!!