Gifts

I have recently read a book about counting God's gifts. Like... literally numbering them in a journal. You start with the goal of one thousand and I am in the hundreds. I think God wants me to open my  eyes wider. I am ALWAYS amazed at the things that I write down, especially when I read them back to myself after some time has passed. God is consistently trying to make himself known in my life. It is like developing another sense. Or...using all your senses at once. It's being aware of it.

I was recently given a great gift. That was performing with Riverside Youth Theatre in a production of Bye Bye Birdie. I couldn't list all the gifts from this experience. There were too many. But, I noticed how many things I wrote down while doing it. I have made friends. I have encouraged others. I have laughed....VERY hard. I was working in a group of dedicated adults. It was a learning experience. I got to tutor and run lines with fellow cast mates. I got to look retro. I got to dance and faint. I got to act like a goofball. I got to yell at people to be quiet. I got called "HAMI" pretty consistently by two little girls. I ate a lot of chocolate. It was all good.

This production came at the perfect time. That's all. I am thankful.

For Hoffman

I lost a friend last month.
His name was Ron. The service I went to was attended by over 300 people who loved him. He was an actor, among other things. One of the most naturally funny people I will probably ever know.

I have known his big brother, Rick, my entire life as he is my uncle Larry's best friend. And as I started to take acting classes in the mid 80's at Mt. San Jacinto College, Ron had already moved on. If anyone took an acting class at that particular time at the college, you knew of him. He was an example that was often talked about in class. Not only was he good, but he was successful. And even though I hadn't actually met the guy (yet) to my classmates at the time I was like; "Oh yeah, I know him."

We first met when we did a production of West Side Story at the college. He was cast as the detective and I was a shark girl. We put two and two together backstage. "Hey, you're Ricks brother!" "Hey, you're Larry's niece." He is one of the only people I have ever heard refer to my uncle as "Lawrence" so I immediately thought he was a funny guy.

So, years go by, and I was asked to take a part in a production of Pump Boys and Dinettes. Fun show. This particular cast, which included Rick, Ron, and Larry, had performed this show before. They had it down. I was the new kid. It wasn't until after a few rehearsals that I realized that about 50% of the stuff that was coming out of Ron's mouth wasn't in the script. Some of the BEST stuff, came right out of his head. As an actor who doesn't really pride myself on my improvisation skills, I had to keep up. But it didn't matter because Ron had a way of making everything funny.

In the second act, Ron sang a song called , "The night Dolly Parton was almost mine." There was about 16-24 bars in the middle of the song that was instrumental. It was a two-step. I made the suggestion to him that maybe he and I could dance a little in the break. To this he said, "That's a really good idea except for one thing....I don't dance." So, I let it go. The next night, right before the song he came up to me and said, "Just follow me, we're gonna wing it"

The time came for the dance break and I got up and he grabbed me. He stomped through it; step together, step together, step together, step. Then he whipped me around and whipped me back, so I tried to spin him. He didn't..quite...make it around. Then he smacked me hard in the shoulder and said, (in character) "I told ya....I don't dance." So..I smacked him back and made my way back to my stool. And that's the way we did it every night.

Later on that evening, I said "Hey Ron, I kinda like our dance/fight." He then said that according to the script, his character has a love/hate relationship with women so it was really the only way it could be done. The truth was, he wasn't just "wingin it". He had thought about it, and it wasn't above him to point out his shortcomings as a dancer in order to get the laugh. That little dance break became one of my favorite moments in the show.

After the show was over, I saw Ron, off and on, when I attended church in Hemet. He was on the worship team. He often came up to me after service and asked me how things were going. I had just moved into town. He knew I was looking for work. It wasn't until the third or fourth time he asked me how the job search was going that I realized, he had been praying for me. I had written my prayer request down months ago on a little prayer card in the lobby. Ronnie was one of the people who had been taking my requests and praying for me. It was then, that I knew, he was the real deal. He wasn't just at the church going through the motions in the church band...he really cared about people.

Sitting at his memorial, hearing all the stories....he cared about a LOT of people. He touched many lives. I can honestly say, I've never laughed so hard at a memorial in my life. He was a giver. That's what made him a great actor. But it's also what made him a great guy.

So, rest in peace friend. You are missed. But I know we will see each other again one day and, hopefully, by then, your dance skills will have improved.

The mess

I am the housekeeper. Always the one cleaning up the messes. I have to control the flow of my home. I am wired that way. It carries over into personality. My spiritual gift of mercy and compassion and the feeling that I am destined to take care of things. This can cause flaws in journeys.
  Taking care of business is all fine and good....but only if you have joy in the doing.

I'm looking back at my life and realizing, and looking, and thinking...why am I so miserable? What in the world has gotten you to this state? Why aren't things ok? Is life just stopped and I'm standing in flux? I have come to grips with the fact that I am manic depressive. This realization is coming from a girl who has never been to a real shrink. The internet and my doctor confirmed my self diagnosis. But.... I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is where I'm at. Back on the happy pills.

I wonder where this comes from and I realize now that I have always had anxiety. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot and that was hard. I felt up-rooted, and raw. Insecure. Fat. Too tall for my age. Uninteresting. Years of playing "sick" so I didn't have to leave my bed. I missed a lot of school. I'm surprised I made it through as well as I did. Being described as shy always irritated me. I associated it with boring. I preferred the term "mild-mannered", I'm not scared to speak, only if I have something to say. I realize now that I was suffering from anxiety, even then. People wonder how I can be a performer. But I have found, over the years, that there are many MANY people like me in the theatre world.

The good news is. I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for this realization in my life. I don't regret anything really. I just wish I might have put 2 and 2 together a little sooner perhaps. But, I don't control the timing. God is in control. He was then and He is now.

 "I am still confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord! Be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord."

Yipee and Hallelujah!

   There are definitely stormy times in life. There are times when I know that things aren't fair and there's nothing I can do except stand watch over my attitude. I tend to get gloomy and stuck. I guess the word for it is depression. However, I have also noticed that its ALWAYS darkest before the dawn, and things have a way of working out as long as I put my faith in God, believe in myself, and keep on climbing. I have learned that because I am old..... that's what it takes, time. "Peace is right there Kami,...Hello?? Grab ahold of it.." How many times did I hear that little voice, and chose to worry instead. What a waste of time.


   "Listen to me, you who have been borne by me from before your birth,
    carried from the womb;
    Even to old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you.
    I have made and I will bear, I will carry and I will save."        (Isaiah 46:3-4)


To paraphrase I would put it this way;

"HEY!! You hard-headed woman! Listen up! I have things under control and I always have. Start listening! Start doing! I got your back!"

I recommend listening.

I moved here to Riverside two years ago and I didn't really want to. It would take up a novel if I told you the whole story of these last two years. To sum it up I could say, it's been kinda like a rollarcoaster. It's been restorative, it's been healthy, hopeful, playful, and magical. This is where I am supposed to be. I know that now. The climb has been good. I'm up high enough to get some perspective now and for the first time, in a long time, I feel really happy about my life. It feels weird and new, but I like it. Yipee and Hallelujah!

2 cents

I have definately decided that people are selfish. I can tell by the facebook posts and the ALL CAPS and the repetitive, annoying (alright already!!) amount of posts I get about politics. It afirms in me the desire to be no part of it. I mean, I vote, and I care, but ranting and raving about how I feel is nobody's business. It's interesting though because I see everyones bias. Everyones, opinion of where they see the world going.
  My world is simple I guess. However, I am kinda glad that I never had kids because I don't envy the next generation. I can understand how children can play a part in how we vote. I think about my nieces and nephews and pray they will be successful. It seems success and money are imparitive, now and in the future. Plus, at this rate, they may be supporting me one day. See what I mean....people are selfish, including me.
I can definately tell that the people who are republicans have enough money. The people who are democrats don't have enough.....for the most part on my FB page. This is just a generalization. Nonetheless, a comment on my world as I see it. People need help. Seems like.

Again, this is a political comment from the MOST unpolitical person, but this seems more like a human issue to me.    

Just my two cents.

Class

    As some of you may know, I am doing a production of CHICAGO at Performance Riverside. Being a dramaturg at heart, I relish in the research of the script. I like to read about the people who wrote it, and why, and everything about the history of the production. Not only is this play based on actual events, which leads to rich research by itself, the story of how the musical version came to be is interesting.

  Gwen Verdon found the original play, she brought it to her husband Bob Fosse, she told him that this would make a great musical. Out of guilt, he pursued the project, as he felt that he owed it to Gwen. Their relationship was complicated and though Bob had many other girlfriends, they shared a daughter and they never divorced. They worked professionally together and lived apart. Bob took the play to Kander and Ebb and they collaborated on the script. Bob had also just recovered from a heart attack, and surgery and was in a deep depression. The musical numbers explore the world he knew best; vaudeville. Having played the vaudeville circuit himself,  as a teenager , he had a great love and respect for this genre which is also reflected in some of his other films.

Trying to pinpoint a theme to this show?? There are so many. Jazz (and its many meanings), Greed (and corruption), the criminal (who we make into a celebrity) and how all that stuff can backfire or not. Is it fair? no. But it happens. It's real. It doesn't hide anything.  That's why this show is so in your face.

The theme may be up for grabs, but I feel like I have a handle on how the writers felt when they were writing. The song in the second act; Class, sums it all up for me. To me, although its crass and funny, its the saddest song in the show. It gives the audience a chance to think about what they have been witnessing, both on the stage and in real life. It's a sad state of affairs sometimes. It's the place in the script where I think the writers are kinda knocking you over the head like, holding up a mirror to us. We all do it. People have lost so much.  Sometimes being good just doesn't pay off in this world. Innocence and devotion are optional. What happened?

We worked on the amazing set this week. Lets just say, I've never been up so high in the air, it's kinda exhilarating. Come and see the show!!

Umm huh, :-)

  My brain is screaming to blog right now. It's been a while, and I promised myself not to do anything lame or uninspired...so you be the judge...(like I really care what anyone thinks)

  Chicago is an incredible musical. It is full of itself. I  have been reading a great bio of Bob Fosse,  I think that the legacy of CHICAGO is the way he wanted it. He wrote this around the time that he was recovering. He had a very dark and sarcastic wit in the script, and I think it may have been affected by the fact that he had just had open heart surgery. Yet, the irritable, short dialogue, ( at least in my part)  seems to make sense. It seems like he was saying, " just write the f*!ing script already" When I read that he was raised in Chicago, I knew then, that this was legit.
 
 He's one of my fav's ...believe it or not. I took dance history. I saw  Damn Yankee's, Kiss Me Kate and Sweet Charity. Don't get me started on Cabaret. I loved Lenny and Star 80. Truly mesmerising films. I admire Fosse, I feel him.
  
There is something....bare,.... about the way we are doing it...(the show, CHICAGO at Performance Riverside I mean :-)  That I know Fosse would have loved.

Do I think it's ironic that I learned my "When you're good to Mama" blocking on Mothers Day, and was unable to go see my own mother??? Hell to the yes! But, I had a great phone convo with the sweet thing, so it's all good. I am blessed. God is good and all is well. :-) Do I think it's slightly odd that Sophie Tucker AND Gwen Verdon , ( two women highly referenced in this show) share my birthday? Yes, and it makes me smile just a little wider.


So I leave with with these wise words;

Gotta little motto
Always sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you


It's called reciprocity, karma,
 you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Be good to your Mama.